


Haunts of Horror and Fear

by ten9



Series: I Am My Beloved’s [3]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Disturbing Themes, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-15
Updated: 2011-04-15
Packaged: 2017-10-18 03:16:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/184398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ten9/pseuds/ten9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A continuation of, “The Way It’s Supposed To Be.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Haunts of Horror and Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Author Notes: These characters are owned by their respective studios and producers; I make no profit from these stories, they are provided for personal use only and remain the copyright of the author. They may not be reproduced either in whole, in part or posted elsewhere without permission.

 

**I Am My Beloved’s**

**Part 3**

**Haunts of Horror and Fear**

 

_“My life has crept so long on a broken wing_

_Thro’ cells of madness, haunts of horror and fear,_

_That I come to be grateful at last for a little thing.”_

 

\- _The May Queen_ , _Lord Alfred Tennyson_

 

 

It was the small sounds that woke her, tiny gasps and cries against her neck that made her pull the larger form even closer before she actually awoke.

 

“Shh, sweetheart.”  She murmured softly, “It’s alright.”  She moved a hand from around Sam’s shoulder to gently stroke her fingers through soft, blond locks.  Sam twitched in uneasy slumber and Janet continued to murmur soft words of comfort, pausing occasionally to place a kiss against her hair.  Minutes passed before Sam finally relaxed in her arms, the barely audible cries of distress fading and, still asleep, she released a deep sigh as she turned onto her back.

 

Janet released her hold and reached to pull the covers back over her then stopped, Sam felt a little too warm and she decided to let her cool down for a few minutes.  They were both naked and Janet rose up on one elbow to look down at her wife in the streetlight that managed to spill through the closed blinds, s _he is so beautiful_.  Without thinking, she pulled the sheet down to Sam’s waist, drinking in the length of her.  She was tempted to pull the sheet all the way down but was afraid Sam would wake if she did.  _That’s all right_ , she assured herself, _I have plenty to look at here_.

 

Several times since her second return through the quantum mirror, Janet had caught Sam looking at herself and her collection of scars with frustration and, undoubtedly, disgust.  And each time Janet would stop her, reaching to gently clasp the taller woman’s face with her hands, sternly telling her she was beautiful, with scars or without.

 

Looking down, Janet reached to clasp the hand that Sam rested on her abdomen and gently stroked the scar between Sam’s thumb and forefinger; she remembered placing the stitches in this hand.  Sam emitted another deep sigh and Janet turned to look at her briefly, completely unaware of the beatific smile she wore.  Quietly, she reached for Sam’s other hand and gently turned it so the outside edge rested against Sam’s belly.  In the dim light she could still see the scar accidentally caused by the small alien with Daniel’s knife.  That scar lay beneath a burn scar on her palm from the power surge caused by the entity that temporarily took over Sam’s body.  Janet’s smile faded as she remembered Col. O’Neill sitting with her in the ICU, reminding her that Sam had signed a Do Not Resuscitate order.  She blinked and shook her head slightly, as if to shake the memory from her.  She turned Sam’s hand palm down against her abdomen again, then softly clasped the burn scar on Sam’s upper arm and began to catalogue each scar as she scanned them in the darkness; the faint scar on her abdomen from the knife fight when she contracted the parasitical virus that affected nearly everyone but Daniel, the double scar on her ribcage cause by the Zhang; the small, precisely round entry scar caused by the energy blast, and the jagged exit wound just behind it.  The myriad of faint and fading scars left from the shattering crystal array that covered her body with dozens of cuts and nicks.

 

Janet lay down again, nuzzling the arm she still held close and closing her eyes, began a mental list of the scars on Sam’s body that she couldn’t see in the dark; the scar on the back of her neck when she was implanted with the immature symbiote, the scars on her thigh and forearms from the supersoldier that hunted her at the Alpha site.  The two scars on the front and back of her thigh; entry and exit wounds caused by the Zhang weapon.  The scar on the back of her shoulder, also from the Zhang, _And what about the scars that were invisible, even in the light?_   A small voice prodded her; the fractured collar bone, the shoulder dislocated not once but twice, the first time from tumbling through the gate and down the ramp, and the second when another supersoldier sent her flying across the deck of a Goa’uld ship, the broken arm from the Carter replicant, the multiple fractures to her beautiful hands and fingers. _Yes_ , Janet sighed, _and the countless head injuries_ ….  She turned to lie on her back and stared at the ceiling; then there were the countless scars that no one could see, not even Janet.  Janet closed her eyes and turned back to snuggle against Sam’s arm again, sleeping with one hand sharing the warmth of Sam’s skin and breathed in her scent till the alarm woke them both.

 

~

 

“Mmm,” Sam whispered, and turned to place a kiss against Janet’s mouth, “Good morning.”

 

Janet reached to turn off the alarm and turned back to her spouse, capturing her lips in another kiss, “Mmm,” Janet hummed as she kissed her, “that’s the only way I want to wake up in the morning.”  She smiled and tucked her herself close around Sam, wrapping her arms and legs around her.

 

“Really?” She could hear Sam ask in disbelief, “That’s’ the _only_ way?”

 

Janet laughed against her neck and squeezed harder, “Oh mah’ heaven’s, no,” she drawled in a heavy southern accent, “what on earth was I thinkin’, Colonel?”  She rose up on one elbow and bent her head to steal another kiss.

 

As it happened nearly every morning, the kiss began with soft lips caressing one another, the tip of a tongue reaching out to briefly lick and taste.  But their ardor was always quick to rise and often, before Janet knew it they were grasping and clutching one another in a tangle of sweaty limbs and sheets and moaning loudly as they climaxed.

 

But this time Sam pulled her mouth from Janet’s, “Shower first.”  And when she rolled over and sat up on the edge of the mattress she turned back, “I mean, during.”  She leered and pushed herself off the bed and walked into the bathroom.

 

Smiling, Janet listened as Sam turned on the shower before rolling over and swinging her legs over the edge of the bed.  Her smile had turned wistful, the doctor part of her noting the limp Sam still walked with.  Nearly two months had passed since Sam’s second return through the quantum mirror and although she no longer looked skeletal she was still underweight and privately Janet constantly worried over the slowness of her recovery.

 

“Hey,” Sam called to her, “Let’s use _all_ the hot water and go to work pruney.”

 

Janet snickered and rose from the bed; she at least found some reassurance in the strength of Sam’s ever-present libido.  Her smile instantly transformed into a scowl the instant her eyes took in the shower safety chair pushed against the far wall of the bathroom,

 

“Sam…”

 

“I don’t need the chair anymore, Janet.”

 

“Sam.”

 

“The shower has a seat molded into it,” she pleaded and took Janet’s hand, pulling her into the shower’s steamy interior.

 

Janet gave her a sympathetic look, “One more day, sweetheart, please.”  Janet pulled away and picked up the small aluminum and plastic chair and slipped it inside the shower, placing it in the middle of the stall.  Sam still became fatigued frightening quickly and had, during their first shower together at home, nearly given Janet a stroke when they started fondling one another and Sam suddenly ran out of energy and slipped on the floor, nearly crashing through the glass door.

 

When Janet turned back and saw the look of disappointment on Sam’s face she reached a hand to cup her cheek,

 

“Hey,” she said gently, sliding the hand down her chest to cup her breast, grasping the nipple between her thumb and forefinger, “I’ll make it worth your while…” She purred seductively and stepping back into the steamy interior, pulled Sam in with her.

 

“Not fair.”  Sam grumbled as she sat down in the safety chair.

 

“No kidding.”  Janet snorted as she reached for the shampoo bottle, “Seduction is exactly what you used on me to get you home from the hospital, remember?”  As she began rubbing the shampoo into Sam’s hair she placed a hand under her chin and gently tilted her head back to look at her,

 

“Umm hmm,” Sam murmured as Janet bent to place a soft kiss against her lips.

 

When Janet rose Sam quickly ducked her head and closed her lips around Janet’s nipple, “Ohhh no…” Janet smiled and pulled away, adding in a low voice, “First make clean, _then_ make dirty.”

 

After her return Janet had Sam transferred to the academy hospital as soon as she was stable enough for transport.  While in the hospital, Sam fell asleep each night with her head on Janet’s lap as Janet stroked her face and hair.  After Sam fell asleep Janet would tiredly ease herself from beneath her and after clicking the bedrail quietly into place, take the three steps to the hospital bed next to Sam’s and crawl into it, spending the night there.  Daniel and Vala had brought her a few amenities from home and when the morning came Janet would take a shower in Sam’s room then change into a clean uniform from the room’s closet, hung there by Janet’s administrative assistant the day before.

 

They had quickly fallen into a familiar routine; Sam had physical therapy both in the morning and the afternoon and SG1 usually visited on a daily basis, although Teal’c was increasingly needed on Chulak.  Daniel and Vala often visited in the evening, bringing dinner so Sam and Janet could get a break from hospital food.

 

After two weeks Sam had enough and she started asking, then pleading with Janet to go home.  But Sam’s condition was still extremely poor; she sometimes had difficulty keeping food down and her strength had been agonizingly slow to return.

 

“Just a few more pounds.”  Janet would beg, hoping a weight gain would bring a gain in muscle tone and a greater appetite as well.

 

But Sam was relentless and Janet privately began to agree, believing Sam probably would recover more quickly at home, even if she still had to accompany Janet to work.  Then one day, when Janet brought their lunch tray to Sam’s room and placed it on the overbed table Sam wordlessly held out her hand to her.  Janet lowered the bedrail and taking the thin hand in hers, sat nervously on the edge of the bed,

 

“What is it, sweetheart?”  She asked, willing her voice to sound calm and reassuring.  Sam had such a serious look on her face Janet was suddenly afraid and her heart had started to pound in her chest.

 

“Can we _please_ go home today after your shift?”  She asked quietly.

 

Janet suddenly exhaled, relieved, “Sam,” she looked down into the still gaunt, beautiful face that framed the most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen.

 

“Please,” Sam whispered, and suddenly Janet was aware that the hand that had rested so innocently on her knee a moment ago was now slowly sliding up her leg, between her thighs.

 

“Sam…” Janet pleaded softly, and placed a restraining hand over Sam’s questing one.

 

 _“Please…”_ Sam whispered again.

 

“Please _what_ , Sam?”  Janet looked over her shoulder even though the privacy curtain was pulled around the bed, “There’s no lock on the door, and I’m on duty….”

 

“You’re on lunch,” Sam murmured, persistent, “And no one has ever come in here during lunch.”

 

Sam continued to push her hand beneath Janet’s skirt, finally brushing her fingers against smooth fabric.

 

“Jesus, Sam,” Janet finally breathed, near surrender, “what do you want me to do?”

 

Sam gave her a small, wicked smile; “I want you to take off your panties, before I make you soak them through.”

 

~

 

Janet could feel a steady throbbing between her legs as she reached to take the one hand-held shower unit mounted on the opposite wall of the shower.  When they bought this house Sam had been eager to remodel the bathroom and replace the shower stall with one that sported a molded seat and multiple showerheads, explaining matter-of-factly that multiple heads would be sure to keep them both warm while they made love in the shower, making Janet purse her lips together in amusement.

 

She watched, mesmerized, as the water rinsed the shampoo from Sam’s hair in a wave before her mind drifted back to the feel of Sam’s hand under her skirt.

 

Obediently, she had risen from the bed and quickly reached under her skirt and pulling off her panties, quickly stuffed them in the pocket of her labcoat, “Oh my god,” she had muttered, “this is insane…” But she still sat back down on the bed, shaking her head in bemusement as Sam quickly slid her hand back between Janet’s legs and began to fondle the already engorged folds,

 

“See?”  Sam had breathed with half-lidded eyes, “See how wet you are already.”

 

Janet’s eyes closed involuntarily and she shifted slightly on the bed, sliding closer to Sam’s hand and opening her legs a little more.  Forcing her eyes open, she looked down into deep, smoldering blue and slid her hand under the sheet, under the hospital gown Sam wore and tugged on her thigh.  Sam had inched closer, spreading her own legs and together, thumbs fondled hardened nerve bundles and slick fingers pumped in steaming depths until Janet threw her head back, her lips pressed tightly together as soft grunting noises escaped her.  Sam climaxed soon after, turning her face away and holding her breath in an effort not to cry with the release after having waited so long to touch Janet in this way.

 

~

 

Janet replaced the hand-held showerhead in the wall bracket and smoothed the water from Sam’s brow and eyes.  Her hands moved slowly, caressing Sam’s face, making her look up at her questioningly.  Janet smiled as she stepped around the safety chair and placed her hands on Sam’s knees, pulling them apart, her smile becoming predatory as she knelt between Sam’s legs.

 

Water dripping off the end of her nose, Sam smiled down at her, “I thought we had to get clean first?”

 

~

 

Cassandra Carter-Fraiser sat quietly on her bed with her eyes closed.  She was in her room at the dorm, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth as the internal conversation warranted.  She had waited impatiently for Sandy, her roommate, to leave so she and the Cassie from Sam’s old world could link up for a quick conversation before class.

 

_“So what happened?”_

_“Oh, it was great; the president got on the phone and ripped Woolsey a new…”_

_“Did you say the president?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“As in, of the United States?”_

_“Yeah!”  The other Cassie snickered, “Oh, I wish I could have been there, but Uncle Jack gave me a pretty good play by play.”  The smile faded from the other Cassie’s face as she recalled the exact words the president had shouted over the speakerphone in front of Woolsey and Uncle Jack and Gen. Landry, “He said Woolsey was responsible for pushing Sam to the brink of death in his zeal to keep her from leaving our reality.  He said keeping her in isolation when she was in such a weakened state and threatening her with indefinite imprisonment amounted to,” Cassie slumped at the memory of how terrible Sam looked when Dr. Lam finally brought her up to the infirmary, “well, to a whole list of crimes; false imprisonment, mental abuse and torture among them.”_

_“Jesus.” Cassie breathed, “What’ll happen to him?”_

_“Well,” the other Cassie perked up, “Apparently he was tried in a secret military tribunal and he’s gonna do some hard time before he goes back to,” she shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know, screwing over someone else, I guess.”_

_“They’ll let him do that?”_

_“I don’t know, but he’s gonna get out at some point…”_

_“Why?”_

 

“Well, Sam didn’t die, she lived and went home.  So,” she asked, wanting to change the subject, “how is she doing now?”

_“Well,” Cassie shrugged, “I’m not really sure, Sam says she’s doing great, but then mom gets on the phone and won’t really say….  She’s a horrible worrywart but she’s also a good doctor and she knows what she’s doing, you know?”_

_“Yeah,” the other Cassie agreed, if a bit wistfully._

_“I’m still going home for Thanksgiving; do you want to switch a few times when I’m there and see them for yourself?”_

“Yeah,” the other Cassie perked up, “I’m really looking forward to it.  Are you sure you’re okay with hanging out with my Uncle Jack and Aunt Sara?  They’re really looking forward to meeting you and seeing how alike we are.”  She snickered.

 

_“Yeah, although I still think it would be fun to try and wear the same clothes so…” The two Cassie’s suddenly stopped and looked at each other questioningly, “Did you hear that?”_

_The other Cassie shook her head, “I’m not sure if I heard something, or felt…”_

“Hello?”  Cassie called into the grayness that surrounded them, “Is anyone there?”

 

***

 

“Cassie?”

 

“Cassie, our session time is almost up, are you sure you don’t want to talk to me today?”

 

Cassie pursed her lips together in annoyance and opened her eyes to glare at the woman in the observation booth, “No, Doctor Rayne, I told you, I’m very _busy_ right now.”

 

“Alright then, I’ll be back tomorrow, same time, okay?”

 

“ _Whatever.”_ Cassie muttered darkly.

 

The tall woman with the honey-colored, shoulder-length hair slid smoothly from the chair and left the observation booth, striding down the hall to the elevator doors where Col. Carter and Gen. O’Neill waited,

 

“So?” Jack raised his eyebrows high on his forehead at the woman, “Whaddaya’ think?”

 

Diane Rayne, taller than Col. Carter in her bare feet by at least an inch, shrugged her shoulders.  When she decided to become a psychiatrist as a little girl growing up in Australia, she had no idea she’d end up living half a world away with a security clearance granted by the president of the United States, let alone find herself working with psychotic aliens from another world,

 

“Well,” she paused, noting distantly that the three of them had blue eyes, “she’s no better, clearly.  But I have no idea if her current behavior indicates this internal work she says she’s doing is real, or she’s simply playing out some sort of internal fantasy.”

 

Angrily jabbing his finger down the hallway, O’Neill shook his head, “There is nothing _simple_ about _that_ _girl_.”

 

“Sir,” came a hoarse whisper, “please.”

 

Dr. Rayne regarded the blond woman, her eyes still falling first on the ugly red scar that ran a jagged path down the side of her throat, then down to the right arm that was usually cradled in a black sling with an extra strap that secured the arm against her body.  Although sometimes, like today; the colonel removed the sling and kept her hand tucked in her pants pocket, trying to affect a casual pose.  She noticed the colonel did this every time she tried to speak with Cassie.

 

“Please _my ass_ , Carter!”  The general hissed, “The EM shielding in that room isn’t going to hold her forever, her telekinetic powers are getting too strong!  _Come on,_ we’re playing with _fire_ here…” The general paced back and forth, his anger rising with every breath, “We’re never gonna’ cure her!  She’s apeshit-fucking _crazy_ and you know it, and… _oh yeah_ , let’s not forget Nirrti’s _still looking for her!”_

 

Dr. Rayne had been standing quietly during his tirade and raised her eyebrows at him.

 

“We, uh,” Jack paused to clear his throat, “we have some good intel that Nirrti tracked down another one of her experimental Hak’taurs and killed her when the girl tried to take control of Nirrti’s army of other Hak’taurs she’s collected from around the galaxy.”  He turned back to Sam, who stood with downcast eyes that had started to brim,

 

“We can’t just give up on her, sir….” she begged hoarsely, her chin trembling.

 

 _“Oh yes we can!”_   He fairly spat, “She tried to kill you, Carter!”

 

“She was upset…”

 

“Upset?”  His eyes blazed as he struggled to keep his voice down, “She stabbed you… how many times?”  Sam held up her good hand as if to stop him and turned away, “No!” he grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her back to face him, “She tried to slit your throat and sliced a chunk out of your larynx, then she fucked up the brachial nerve in your shoulder enough to keep you from drawing your weapon correctly _for the rest of your life…”_

 

Tears finally spilled from Sam’s downcast eyes and she shook her head brokenly from side to side.

 

“General…” Dr. Rayne tried to interrupt; this was going nowhere.

 

“And you can’t fool me, Carter!  I know you’re in constant pain…” Jack’s voice suddenly broke and he abruptly turned away, pressing his palms first against his temples, then against his closed eyes as he drew a shaky breath.

 

“General,” Dr. Rayne tried again but Jack held up his hand and drew a deep breath, exhaling loudly,

 

“Sorry, doctor.”  He cleared his throat as he stepped over to Sam again, “I’m sorry Carter, but it’s not your fault Fraiser’s dead.  It’s not your fault her dying made Cassie completely insane, but she was already on her way to crazy _long_ before Fraiser…” he stopped and forced his voice into a lower register, “Look, there’s no way she’s ever gonna’ get any better and between her growing, super psycho powers and the fact that Nirrti’s gonna’ be coming for her at some point…”

 

Sam’s hoarse whisper was barely audible through her tears, “We can’t just kill her.” Miserable, she wiped her nose on her sleeve before lifting anguished eyes to him, “Please, sir.”  She rasped.

 

***

 

While Janet worked her shift in the infirmary Sam was allowed to work a few hours in her lab each day, between scheduled visits to Physical Therapy, as long as the assigned babysitter sat on a stool by the door.  She worked on projects in her lab, Daniel and Vala and Teal’c stopping by from time to time to check in on her. And Janet had finally allowed her to take her nap before lunch in their quarters instead of the infirmary, meeting her there when she was finally able to get away for her own lunch so they could have time alone together before Janet went back to work.

 

Sam bent over the alien device brought back by SG3, her brow creased in concentration. She had been working on it for the last three days; Daniel was convinced it was some kind of energy device that contained text about the Ancients, but so far neither of them could figure out how to open the intricately engraved box.  Daniel believed the device was constructed like a Chinese puzzle box, but Sam was certain it was more of a cross between a puzzle box and a Rubick’s cube.  She drew a deep breath as she leaned back slightly on the stool and closed her eyes.  She could almost see it… like a pattern of numbers floating on the surface of a lake…

 

 _“Dammit.”_   She muttered under her breath, she knew she was close; the complex designs engraved on the exterior of the box resembled an engineering schematic, but she just couldn’t make the pattern fit into one she could understand.

 

She opened her eyes to take in the box again when a sudden flash of movement just inside her field of vision made her flinch.

 

“You okay, ma’am?”  The airman asked.

 

Sam nodded, pressing her lips together against the accompanying lash of nerve pain across the back of her right shoulder.  Oddly, Sam couldn’t tell whether the barely perceived flashes were of bright light or shadows but they were disconcerting as hell, and she silently berated herself for flinching.  The flashes of perceived movement always preceded painful stabs of nerve pain, usually in her shoulder, and she knew if the stabbing pains progressed into sharp cramping she was going to have to take her pain meds.  But over the passing weeks the medication seemed to work less and less in quelling the pain from the injuries her body still struggled to heal from, leaving her still in pain and feeling fuzzy-headed.  So, without telling Janet, she was only taking them when she absolutely couldn’t stand the pain any longer.

 

“How was the granola bar?”  She asked somewhat vaguely, her voice faint.

 

“Uh… fine, ma’am.” The airman responded a bit uncertainly.

 

In the beginning she had obediently told Janet of the sudden, disconcerting flashes and pain, but as time passed the intensity of the pain and barely seen visions had gradually increased and eventually she had stopped telling Janet about them.  She wasn’t sure why she was being so stubborn about not telling her, but she was just so tired of complaining.  She wanted to be whole _now_ , not another six months from now.  She wanted the strength to sweep her wife up into her arms again, making Janet whoop with delight…

 

Sam suddenly cried out as shrieking pain flamed over her shoulder and she hunched painfully, dropping the magnifying glass she held in her right hand onto the worktable.

 

“Ma’am?”  The designated babysitter leapt forward, helping Sam from the stool and into a chair pushed against the wall.

 

“I’m okay…” She panted, holding her hand and arm against her chest, “I’m okay,” she repeated, not wanting him to panic and call the infirmary.  She squeezed her eyes closed and bent over in the chair, trying desperately to quiet her ragged breathing.

 

“Ma’am, I’m supposed to call…”

 

“I know, Airman,” she said in a tight voice, trying to reassure him, “I just need a minute.”  She pressed her lips together against the pain, her arm shaking uncontrollably.

 

“But I…”

 

Still clutching the arm to her she suddenly sat up in the chair, _“Stand down, airman_ , that’s an order.”  She snapped, hoping the snap of command in her tone would override the young mans’ fear of the CMO.

 

“Yes, ma’am.”  He snapped to attention, making Sam grin briefly in spite of the raw pain that still gripped her.

 

“Okay.”  She leaned her head back against the wall for a moment then drew a deep breath, “You can escort me to my quarters…” she sighed shakily and slowly forced herself from the chair, “I’m done for the day.” 

 

~

 

Janet blinked and sniffed sleepily, a small smile tugging at her lips.  Sam’s face was just inches from hers and Janet remained still, watching her sleep.  Already committed to memory countless times over, Janet’s eyes swept over every plane and angle on her beloved’s face; starting with the brow ridge that framed crystalline blue, though her eyes were now closed, and Janet took in the delicate eyelashes that fanned lightly against high cheekbones.  It wasn’t until she tried to raise a hand to stroke the slightly parted lips that she realized it was still tightly wedged between Sam’s legs.  She smiled even as her tugging made her suddenly aware of how stiff her arm was and she closed her eyes as she winced slightly, the grin still on her face.

 

Although Sam and Janet usually slept in the nude they sometimes shared a pair of men’s flannel pajamas, Janet wearing the top half and Sam wearing the bottoms.  Janet had bought the PJ’s as a joke when Sam had complained one night of being too cold. Janet had ordered the blue flannel pajamas online and on the night Sam opened the package Janet playfully snatched the top from her, making a joke about how she really just wanted Sam to wear the bottoms so she could grope her during the night.  Sam had readily agreed, noting two could play that game and so it had become an occasional routine of sorts; Janet would wear the top half and Sam the bottom, and during that first night Janet discovered she loved reaching her hand through the snap-front fly to cup and fondle Sam as they drifted off to sleep. Janet smiled through her closed eyes; she also loved the sight of her arm disappearing in the flannel opening while she brazenly groped, fondled, and finally slid her fingers inside her wife as she watched Sam’s eyes flutter closed, her tongue darting out to lick her lips….  Janet smiled and flexed her fingers gently, smiling again as Sam hummed softly in her sleep.

 

Bad dreams had only wakened Sam once during the night and after soothing her frightened spouse back to sleep, Janet vaguely remembered snuggling close and reaching her hand through the PJ bottoms to cup Sam’s mound, nuzzling full breasts as she drifted back into peaceful slumber.  But now she pulled her arm free as gently as she could, trying not to wake her and slowly flexed her fingers as Sam pulled her closer, emitting a small noise from the back of her throat,

 

“Mmm,” Her eyes still closed, Sam’s lips searched for Janet’s, “Do we have to get up yet?”  She asked sleepily before kissing her.

 

Janet smiled against her mouth and when they parted she turned to glance briefly at the alarm clock when Sam pulled her back against her again, “Not yet, sweetheart,” she smiled in the darkness, “we have another half hour or so, go back to sleep.”

 

She reached her stiffened fingers to finally stroke Sam’s lips, but Sam caught the caressing hand and pressed it firmly against her nose and mouth. Inhaling her own scent she placed a fervent kiss against the palm before suddenly pushing the hand back down between her legs and growling,

 

“There’s no way I’m spending the next thirty minutes asleep.”  She roughly pushed Janet’s hand back into the fly of her pajama bottoms and rolled on top of her, straddling her thigh, “Inside me.”  She husked, demanding, “Inside me.”  She whispered again harshly before devouring Janet’s mouth with her own; her kisses bruising as she plundered Janet’s mouth with her tongue.  A small cry escaped Janet’s lips, but the sound was literally swallowed by Sam’s mouth and tongue as she continued her assault.  She struggled to oblige and squeezed Sam’s mound, pulling her closer and making Sam moan loudly in her mouth.  She pushed her fingers farther and stroked the slick folds roughly, knowing what Sam wanted and she groaned again and pulled her mouth from Janet’s to arch her back as she ground against her,

 

“That’s it, baby,” Janet whispered, “Let me inside you…” And slipped first two, then three fingers inside, feeling the inner walls clutch and grip her thrusting fingers with surprising strength.  She scooted under the taller woman and extended her reach inside as far as she could.  Sam had begun to undulate forcefully against her hand and Janet grunted as she first sucked Sam’s nipple, then as much of Sam’s breast into her mouth as she could handle, her free hand pushing the taut flesh inside as she feasted noisily.  Sam cried out and Janet’s brows knit together as she concentrated on thrusting her fingers as deep and as hard as she could.  As Sam continued to undulate forcefully on Janet’s hand she reached down to push against Janet’s unencumbered leg and roughly pushed two fingers inside Janet’s steaming depths, making her cry out against her breast,

 

“Oh my, uhnnn…” Sam grunted as she slammed her full weight on top of her, “I’m coming…” she wailed desperately, “Fuck me, Janet,” she grunted, “fuck me deeper… harder… oh, please,” she begged and thrust her fingers inside Janet hard as she wildly ground herself against her, pounding herself on Janet’s hand and thigh.

 

Janet could barely hear her, she was moaning just as loudly into Sam’s flesh, her own throbbing depths accepting the pounding fingers and she thrust just as wildly against them, screaming her orgasm into the breast that still filled her mouth.  Sam’s wild bucking finally ceased as her back arched and she went completely rigid.  She made soft moaning noises as she panted and then crouched over her wife again, shuddering deeply as the orgasm wracked her body.  Janet wrapped her free arm around her,

 

“Oh god, baby,” she moaned, “Oh, sweetheart,” she panted, “don’t stop… don’t stop coming, baby.”  She continued to thrust her fingers, but at a slower pace and Sam continued to ride her hand,

 

“More,” she whispered, “More…”

 

Janet slowed and gently pushed her onto her back, finally pulling her hand from Sam’s pajama bottoms,

 

“No….” Sam protested and curled the fingers still inside her.  Janet gasped and found herself undulating a moment more against them before she finally reached a hand to pull them out,

 

“Easy, sweetheart.”  She murmured reassuringly, still breathless, and brought the digits to Sam’s mouth, although Sam needed little encouragement to slip them inside and greedily suck at the juices.

 

Janet crawled over her to retrieve a tube of lubricant from the nightstand then crawled back over her spouse and pulled the PJ bottoms off.  Kneeling at her side she pushed Sam’s legs open and after squeezing a huge dollop of lubricant onto her palm, slid two fingers back inside, “You can have as much as you want, love.”  She whispered as she slowly stroked the slick inner walls and added another finger, “You can always have more.”  She said as she added a fourth finger, making Sam arch back against the mattress, gripping the sheets,

 

“More, Janet.”  She panted, “I want more…”

 

Janet hurried to oblige, quickly bending to suck the inner folds into her mouth, sliding lips and tongue up the length of her to grasp the rock hard clitoris between her teeth.  Sam spread her legs wide and arched her bucking pelvis toward the assaulting hand and mouth and swung her head wildly from side to side,

 

“More…” She panted and Janet quickly withdrew, sliding the lube from her palm against Sam’s opening, making her moan, the inner muscles clutching at the cool, thick lubricant, drawing it inside.  Janet’s breath caught at the site and finally, folding her thumb into her palm, pushed her entire hand inside, curling the fingers into a fist as her hand suddenly slid past the rigid barrier,

 

“God!”  Sam cried out, incoherent noises only vaguely resembling words poured from her as Janet slowly pumped and twisted her hand, her free hand deeply massaging Sam’s mound as her mouth continued its assault on her clitoris.  She struggled not to cry out as Sam’s vagina tightened painfully around her hand and she turned her head slightly to watch as the engorged folds and opening seemed to balloon out around her wrist as Sam screamed her climax.

 

Janet hung on as Sam bucked and screamed and both were winded when Sam finally eased down from the orgasm, audible grunts, gasps and sighs escaping her as she slumped, boneless against the sweat-soaked sheets.  Janet felt the still trembling inner walls relax around her hand and she finally released the softening nub from her teeth.  As she slowly withdrew she felt a hand caress her backside, strong fingers kneading and squeezing the flesh.  She moaned against Sam’s folds and Sam clutched briefly at her hand,

 

“Pull out but leave some fingers inside me.”  She whispered, still breathless.

 

Janet obliged and gently withdrew, careful to relax her hand, allowing it to open again as she pulled it from deep within Sam’s body.

 

“Oh, god.”  Sam groaned softly, still beset by small quakes and tremors.  Janet left three fingers resting quietly just inside as she felt Sam’s questing fingers begin to probe behind her and she rested her head against Sam’s mound,

 

“Oh...” She breathed against soft curls as Sam’s fingers once again stroked, softly this time, her inner walls.  She slowly sank from her crouching position on the bed and turned onto her side, knees still tucked to her chest, facing Sam.

 

“That’s it,” Sam breathed, her inner muscles gently pulling at Janet’s fingers, “Just relax and let me watch you when you come.”  She whispered as she stroked Janet fully, fingers stroking the length of her inside and out, her thumb finally finding Janet’s clit as she began to undulate against her hand.

 

Janet opened her eyes to peer up at her, “Oh, Sam…” she murmured achingly and as she reached her free hand to push Sam’s even harder against and inside her, her body suddenly stiffened and she turned her face into Sam’s mound, moaning deeply.  Sam’s face twisted in exquisite pleasure and pain as she struggled to continue her lustful stroking.

 

Another long, delicious moment passed when Janet’s fingers suddenly curled inside her and she simultaneously ejaculated in a flood in Sam’s hand.  Unable to control herself, Sam twisted from Janet’s grip inside her and towards her thrusting hand.  Pushing against her hip with her free hand she pushed Janet onto her back and quickly bent her head to devour the copious fluid as it burst from Janet’s center in waves, her fingers still furiously pumping inside her, determined to draw out every last drop as she licked and sucked and swallowed hungrily.  Janet continued to moan and buck against her even as she begged, “Oh god, baby, please, _please,_ no more… _no more…._ ”

 

Sam refused to stop until the explosive ejaculations finally subsided before she slowed the fingers and pulled them from her, sucking them greedily into her mouth though she still held Janet’s mound in a firm grip with her other hand.  Janet gasped and nearly sobbing, curled herself into a semi-fetal position so she could pillow her head exhaustedly against Sam’s hip again.  She tiredly pulled the gripping hand to her and placed a small kiss on the back of her knuckles, noting her strong scent permeated Sam’s hand.  As she tucked the appendage under her chin the alarm went off.

 

“Thank god that didn’t go off while you were inside me,” Sam muttered under her breath, “I think I would have shot it with my Beretta.”

 

Janet was still too breathless to laugh, “Oh my god, Sam…” She coughed weakly, “Is it just me, or is the rough-sex-thing on the rise with you?”

 

“Oh, my god, Janet,” Sam struggled to sit up, “did I hurt you?”

 

“No!”  Janet emitted an audible sigh, reaching to weakly pat her arm in reassurance, “No, sweetheart, I just noticed is all.  I am definitely _not_ complaining.”

 

Sam looked at her closely, running her hand and eyes quickly over Janet, from her neck over her breasts and down between her legs, wanting to be sure, “Really?  ‘Cause I….”

 

Janet grabbed at the smoothing hand, stopping her, “Really, Sam,” She now at least had the strength to turn a lop-sided smile to her that was half reassurance, half leer, “In fact, I may just have a little surprise for you later today.”

 

Sam raised an eyebrow at her, “Oh really?”

 

~

 

She was napping on the bed in their quarters on base when Janet walked in at half past noon.  Without looking up Sam remarked, “You know I can’t get started without you when it comes to afternoon… comes.”  She finished lamely and raised her head enough to look at her wife still standing by the closed door.

 

“What?”  She asked, momentarily confused at the inscrutable expression on Janet’s face.

 

“Well, now, Colonel, honey.”  She drawled, “I am so sorry I am late for your exam.”

 

“My exam?”  Sam asked, perplexed until she saw Janet pull a latex glove from the pocket of her labcoat, “You must be kidding.”

 

“Who said I was kidding?”  Janet asked sternly, the sultry, southern tones suddenly absent from her voice.  She pulled on the glove with a snap and pulled the stethoscope from her neck, her tone professional, “Roll over, please, and drop your pants.”

 

“Uh…” Sam stammered, although the blue of her eyes suddenly deepened, “yes, ma’am.”

 

Janet dropped her stethoscope on their small dining table and stepped over to the nightstand, retrieving a tube of lubricant from the drawer and slipped it into the pocket of her labcoat.  She watched as Sam unbuckled her belt and first unbuttoned then unzipped her uniform pants.  As she pushed her pants and panties down to her knees Janet pulled the pillow from under her head and dropped it on her chest,

 

“Put this under your pelvis when you turn over.”

 

Without a word Sam obeyed, and when she turned over Janet could smell her arousal,

 

“Spread your legs a little, Colonel.”

 

She felt her heart start to pound as she pulled the lubricant from her pocket and gazed at her wife’s already glistening opening; _Oh_ , _Sam,_ she thought privately, not wanting to spoil to scenario; _you are so beautiful_.  She squeezed some lube onto her first three fingers and clicking shut the cap on the lube, dropped it back in her pocket.  She tucked one leg under as she sat on the bed and spreading Sam open a little further, paused to take in her scent.  Sam’s thighs were quivering in anticipation as Janet moved her fingers into position,

 

“You’re just going to feel a little pressure now,” she said, her tone professional and she inserted her forefinger.  Her examination of Sam was partly clinical, partly sensual as she probed and stroked the inner walls and Sam silently undulated against her.  “Hmm,” she would occasionally utter as she probed, then finally pulled her finger out.  Even as Sam moaned in protest, Janet suddenly slid the three lubed fingers deep within, making Sam cry out.

 

“Easy, Colonel,” Janet warned, “we are at the workplace.” her professional tone sounding out of place with the furious, lustful stroking of her fingers in and out of Sam’s throbbing depths.  She fell silent as she listened to Sam’s harsh breathing and the slick sounds of wet coming from her stroking fingers.  Janet’s eyes were half-lidded as she watched, mesmerized, her pumping fingers disappear into Sam’s body only to reemerge again, glistening between Sam’s sodden and impossibly engorged folds.

 

She slowed her hand and pulled her fingers from Sam’s body,

 

“No!”  Sam panted in a hoarse whisper, “God, Janet…”

 

“You’re going to feel a little more pressure now,” she said, and pressed the tip of her forefinger against the puckered opening of Sam’s anus, making her shudder.  A soft, muffled, keening noise came from her as she raised her buttocks off the bed and against Janet’s hand.  They had enjoyed anal sex in the past, but it had been a long time and Janet hesitated; wanting to be sure Sam was receptive to the idea.

 

“Easy now,” she crooned softly as her gloved finger circled the opening, “wait for it…” She added before slipping just the tip of the digit inside.  Sam moaned into the mattress, her hands gripping the sheets, “That’s it.”  Janet cooed as she fully inserted her finger and began to probe, gently stroking the tight channel.

 

Aware now of her own wet and engorged center, Janet slowly withdrew her finger and rose from the bed,

 

“Oh, Jesus,” Sam panted, “I’m ready to come, Janet, please!”

 

“Just hold on, Colonel.  Just breathe.”  She stripped off the glove and tossing it into the wastebasket, stepped out of her sodden panties and tossed them next to Sam on the bed.  S _he can have those to enjoy later_ , she thought wickedly.  Pulling another latex glove from the pocket of her labcoat, she pulled it on with a snap and retrieved the lube, squeezing some onto the new glove,

 

“Now, Colonel, just one more time…”

 

This time, Janet only inserted two fingers inside Sam, and after pumping them in and out of her just three times, changed the angle of her hand.  Turning her palm up she pressed her gloved and lubed thumb inside Sam’s anus as far as it would go.  She began rocking her hand back and forth; first plunging her fingers in as far as they would go, then thrusting her thumb as deeply as possible in her rear channel.

 

Sam arched her back rigidly before slamming facedown on the bed again and bucked wildly against Janet’s rocking hand and alternately thrusting thumb and fingers,

 

“That’s it,” Janet murmured, her voice a harsh whisper, “Now just wait for me,” and still pumping inside Sam, she raised her skirt with her free hand and lowered herself onto her wife’s backside.  Wrapping her free arm around Sam’s waist, she thrust herself against the taut, bucking mound of flesh, biting her lip to keep from groaning aloud when she felt her center open and slide against the soft skin, slicking it.

 

“Oh, my god, Janet!”  Sam moaned softly, desperately, “Oh god, finally… baby, fuck me,” she begged, suddenly profane, “fuck me harder.”

 

The seldom-used vulgarity made Janet press her lips together in desperation as she felt a jolt of burning cum burst from her and onto Sam’s backside,

 

“Deeper,” Sam wailed into the mattress, “Please fuck me, oh god, please fuck me...”

 

Gritting her teeth, Janet complied, pumping her thumb and fingers as hard and as deep as they would go while she ground herself on Sam’s backside.  A soft, strangled cry escaped Sam as she made a desperate grab for the other pillow on the bed and shuddering violently, screamed into it as she came; both from the sensation of Janet ruthlessly fucking her and from the feel of her spouse’s explosive orgasm as hot ejaculate spurted onto her backside, completely coating her as Janet continued to undulate wildly on her, making guttural, grunting sounds against Sam’s back.

 

Long minutes passed and Sam continued to shudder violently, even after Janet withdrew her hand, having come to her senses enough to be concerned,

 

“Are you okay?”   She asked breathlessly, briefly examining Sam’s assaulted orifices and the glove for blood before stripping it off.  She rose shakily from the bed to toss it, missing the wastebasket, and turned Sam onto her back on the bed.

 

“Yeah, I’m okay.”  Sam panted, “That was unbelievable, Doctor Fraiser.  You know, you do give one hell of an exam.”

 

Janet gave an exhausted snort of amusement and pulling the plastic clip from her hair, slipped it into the pocket of her labcoat before shrugging out of it and tossing it towards a chair.  Crawling over Sam, she lay down on the bed next to her, “Well,” she sighed, looking at her watch, “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

 

“How much time do we have left?” Sam asked.  Turning on her side, she pulled Janet’s legs over her own, her pants still bunched past the knees.

 

“Just enough for a brief period of unconsciousness, my love.”  Janet pulled her close and placed a kiss on top of her head, “Then I have to, well… _re-hydrate,_ then I have to get back.”

 

While she spoke Sam popped open Janet’s cross tie and unbuttoned her uniform shirt, “Okay.” She smiled, murmuring softly and lifted Janet’s breast from her bra and into her mouth.  Janet sighed contentedly as Sam pushed the bra strap and shirt from her opposite shoulder and scooping out the other breast, suckled and caressed both while Janet dozed.

 

~

 

The evening had started out easily enough, Daniel and Vala had come over for dinner and while Vala’s requested chicken and potatoes cooked the four of them sat in the living room, talking and laughing over a game of Scrabble during which Daniel cheated outrageously.  Janet had hoped Sam’s good mood would carry her through dinner, but as she sat across the dining table from her she caught the unmistakable signs of encroaching nausea as Sam mostly pushed the food around on her plate.

 

“Okay,” Vala pushed her empty plate from her, “My trip to PeredaVoy was both eventful and productive in that I have procured for us an open invitation to visit their Hospital of Fertility and Reproduction Services….”

 

“Oh my god,” Janet broke off her scrutiny of Sam for a moment to snort in amusement, “Do they really call it that?”

 

Sam could feel the instant Janet’s attention shifted from her to Vala and she sighed in relief, plastering a smile on her face she didn’t feel.  The nausea had hit her almost as soon as she pulled the chicken and potatoes from the oven.  In the past, the smell would have left her mouth watering in anticipation of a tasty meal, but now her mouth only watered as a prelude to an episode of vomiting she was determined to overcome and she swallowed, determinedly.  But Janet was on to her and she knew it, just as she knew she was within minutes of having to excuse herself from the table if she didn’t get the nausea under control.  Sam surreptitiously pushed the plate from her and concentrated on breathing quietly in through her nose and out through her mouth.

 

She closed her eyes against a flash of sudden movement just outside her field of vision and blinked cautiously, trying to force the half-seen images from her and she pressed her lips tightly together in concentration.  Determined not to wince at the gradual onslaught of nerve pain and cramping, she tried to focus on the conversation, noting distantly that at least the throbbing nerve pain was taking her mind off the nausea and she tensed involuntarily as she braced herself.

 

 “It really is quite fascinating, Janet.  But I’m sure it will all make much more sense to you than it did to me.  After your combined ovum has been given twenty-four hours to grow the cells will have replicated so many times it will actually have entered the early embryonic stage when you finally implant your soon-to-be-baby-girl inside Sam.”

 

Sam shifted in her chair, trying to affect a more casual posture when she felt Janet’s gaze on her once again.  She pulled her plate toward her, picking up the fork and pushed the food around on her plate some more, thinking she could convince both Janet and herself that she had conquered the urge to vomit.  But once again she could faintly see the beginnings of sudden, imagined movement just inside her field of vision and she stared hard at her plate, determined to focus her vision there and nowhere else.

 

“But all of this can wait until you both decide you’re ready for this, Sam….” Vala reached to casually drop her fingers around Sam’s wrist and she recoiled violently, suddenly flinching from Vala as though struck and dropped the fork on the plate with a clatter.

 

Vala immediately pulled her hand away, “Oh, Sam…” She stammered, not knowing what to say or do, “I’m… I’m so sorry.”

 

Shaking, Sam hastily checked her wrist for some unseen injury as she struggled to get up from her chair, swaying unsteadily when she got to her feet, “S’okay,” she mumbled and gripped the table’s edge.

 

“Sam!”  Janet bolted from her seat but Daniel and Vala were closer and grabbed at her arms.

 

“No!”  Sam wrenched away from them, staggering.  She was breathing heavily and leaning against the entryway to the living room when she felt Janet’s presence next to her and she groped for her, blindly, “Please…” she panted, struggling for control, “I’m sorry.” She looked up at Daniel and Vala, “I’m sorry.”

 

Daniel and Vala exchanged looks and Daniel slowly approached the couple, holding his upraised hands in calm surrender, “Its okay, Sam.  What wrong?”

 

Sam shook her head and gulped as she pulled Janet to her, “I’m okay, Daniel, I just get these… cramps every now and then, it’s okay.”  She reassured him and motioned to sit on the couch, trying not to lean too heavily on Janet as they made their way into the living room.  Daniel cautiously approached and Sam gratefully accepted his arm as he helped her to sit.

 

Janet sat on the arm of the couch and softly wrapped her hands around Sam’s wrist, peering at it closely and after softly palpating the joint, gave her a reassuring squeeze but Sam could tell from the look in her eyes she wouldn’t let this slip by.

 

“The restraints were padded,” she offered, “they weren’t on tight… they didn’t injure me or… or anything.”  She finished somewhat lamely.

 

“Oh, Sam,” Vala sat down next to her on the couch and reached to tentatively take Sam’s hand in her own.  Sam accepted the contact and leaned her head back against the couch, realizing with relief that the nausea had finally retreated, “you’re having flashbacks?”

 

Sam suddenly tensed in pain, “Yeah,” she grimaced, “I guess so.”

 

Janet stood and circled to sit on the back of the back of the couch; placing warm hands on Sam’s shoulder she spoke softly, “Spasm?”  Sam nodded wordlessly and Janet moved her hands expertly across Sam’s shoulder and down her back, combining massage with acupressure.

 

“Can I help?”  Vala asked and when Sam nodded Janet showed her how to massage Sam’s arm, working her way down to her hand and fingers.

 

Daniel sat silently in a chair and regarded them for a long moment before saying, “You know, Sam, we’re not in a hurry to go to PeredaVoy.  It’s clear that you still need to… t-to heal, and we can wait…”

 

“That’s right,” Vala added encouragingly, “I still need to undergo some minor, reconstructive repairs to be able to carry a child full term…”

 

Sam smiled gratefully, “I know,” she said, her voice sounding a little stronger as she relaxed under Vala and Janet’s ministrations, “It won’t be long, and I’ll be ready, I promise.”  She gave them a genuine, if exhausted lopsided grin and Daniel gave her a reassuring smile in return.

 

“It’s going to be such fun raising our girls together.”  Vala smiled and she paused in her massage to squeeze Sam’s fingers affectionately.

 

“Boy.”  Daniel interjected, “We’ll be having a…”

 

“Whatever.”  Vala smiled brightly at him, making Sam chuckle.

 

Daniel smiled indulgently until Janet finally got up from her place behind the couch and left to clear the dining table, “Hey!”  He rose from the easy chair and called after her, “Let me help!”  Janet tried to wave him off but he held his ground and started pulling the platters for the chicken and potatoes from the table, “Are you kidding?”  He said, heading for the kitchen, “This way I can keep eating.”  He joked, making Sam and Vala snicker in the living room.

 

Leaning her head tiredly against the back of the couch Sam turned to Vala and softly clasped her hand, “She worries too much, but I swear I’ll be ready to have this baby, I promise.”

 

Vala gave her hand another squeeze, “I know, but please don’t rush it, Sam.  Not that much time has passed and you still need to recover….  But you know,” and she dropped her voice to a low murmur, “I asked the Voyan doctors if there was anything they could do to naturally help speed your recovery along and they said yes.  All we need to do is go, Sam, they’re convinced they can help you.”  Before she could reply Vala hurriedly continued, “And they understand _exactly_ who you are married to and that their treatment of you would be _closely_ supervised and monitored….” She finished, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial whisper, making Sam chuckle,

 

“When can they see me?”  She asked.

 

~

 

Daniel plucked a baked potato wedge from the platter and after popping it into his mouth turned the water in the sink on full.  Reaching to take the stack of dirty plates from Janet’s hands he placed them in the sink under the rushing water then dropped a hip to lean his elbow against the countertop so he was closer to the petite woman’s level,

 

“Janet,” he asked, keeping his voice low, “how is she really?”

 

She looked up at him with wide, sad eyes and Daniel could see how Sam could become lost in their dark depths, “I don’t know.”  She said quietly and leaned heavily against the counter at her back, “Smells have started to affect her and she can’t eat from the nausea… meals increasingly end with her vomiting what little she’s managed to force down.  She’s going to resist but she’ll have to take something for that now….  And I think she’s been palming some of her pain meds….” Janet sighed, “So it’s been hard for her to gain the weight back.  And less fuel in her system means she has less energy to generate new cell growth and regain muscle strength and endurance.  The nightmares are becoming more frequent and… disturbing, I think, but she won’t admit it.”  She inhaled then exhaled heavily through her nose and Daniel placed comforting hand on her shoulder, “I need to talk to her about seeing someone…”

 

Daniel quirked his eyebrows at her, “And how are you holding up?” 

 

“Fine.” Janet grinned tiredly, “As long as I have her, Daniel, I can hold up just fine.”

 

~

 

“No.”  Fearful. “No, _please_.”

 

She murmured the words quietly, her voice tight, but Janet was already awake; the frightened, keening noises Sam made had wakened her before the quietly whispered, desperate words began,

 

“Oh, no....” Barely audible, “Oh no, please, please, _please_ …”

 

Sam’s body tensed and then flinched in the bed and Janet cautiously inched closer on the mattress; gently pulling Sam’s head to her she tenderly stroked her face.

 

Sometimes Janet could coax Sam from her nightmare just by holding her, softly stroking and kissing her face and hair.  Sometimes she could ease her back into peaceful slumber without waking her, feeling her tense body relax against her and emitting a deep sigh as she nuzzled against Janet in her sleep.

 

But then there were other nights when the terrible images would not let her go and tears would slip from the corners of her eyes.  Janet felt them against her chest as her wife began to sob quietly in her sleep,

 

“Sam,” Janet whispered, anxious now to wake her, “Come back to me, sweetheart.” She called softly, “Come back to me, baby.”  She gently tilted Sam’s head back and stroked her face, “Sam?  It’s alright, hon… I’m right here, you’re home, sweetheart, you’re sa…”

 

Sam suddenly jerked awake, a strangled noise escaping her.

 

“Easy…” Janet propped herself on her elbow and placed her hand against Sam’s damp cheek, softly stroking her face.  Gasping, Sam placed her hand over Janet’s and turned miserable eyes to her,

 

“I’m sorry,” she managed and shakily pulled Janet’s hand to her lips, placing a trembling kiss against her palm.

 

“Don’t apologize,” Janet softly scolded, pulling her close as she lay back down again, “It’s alright, sweetheart.  Bad dreams aren’t your fault.” But Sam only sniffed and hugged her closer, “Want to tell me?”  She murmured against her hair.

 

Sam tucked her head even closer against Janet’s neck, “Don’t remember,” she mumbled, “Just remember pain, I was scared….”

 

Janet frowned, “What kind of pain?”

 

“Hurts.” Sam mumbled again, “My shoulder hurts, chest hurts, my side hurts …”

 

Janet closed her eyes and hugged her close, “I’m so sorry, sweetheart, I’ll get you some…”and slipped her arms from her to sit up.

 

“No!”  Sam clutched at her, “No, I just want to lie here until we go back to sleep, okay?”

 

Janet stroked the bangs from her forehead, “Okay, sweetheart, if you’re sure, we can do that too.” and placed a soft kiss against Sam’s lips.

 

Sam responded in kind and pulled her head back a moment to look into Janet’s eyes that looked black in the darkness.  She reached a hand through brunette hair and pulled Janet down for another kiss, this one deeper than the last and they both parted for a moment, breathless until Sam pulled her down again, the kiss smoldering now and Sam moaned softly as she pushed her tongue into Janet’s willing mouth.  Janet wrapped her tongue around Sam’s, stroking it, pulling it deeper inside.  She made humming noises that thrummed from her chest to her lips and Sam broke the kiss again, panting now,

 

“I want…” she panted, and slid her tongue down Janet’s neck, “I… I….” Sam lost her train of thought as she kissed and licked her way down Janet’s chest, the hand that had begun stroking and massaging Janet’s breast suddenly squeezed the taut flesh, angling it toward her mouth.  She sucked the hardened nipple into her mouth, licking and sucking the breast ever deeper as her hand continued to stroke and squeeze what didn’t fit inside.

 

Sam pulled her even closer with her free arm and Janet gasped aloud as she watched her breast disappear into Sam’s mouth.  The sensation was so overwhelming everything between Janet’s legs seemed to pound and throb to the point of acute pain, _Oh my god_ , Janet’s head swam deliriously, _this is one orgasm I’m not gonna’ survive_.

 

Through her own passionate frenzy, Sam somehow sensed Janet was on overload, and loosened the arm wrapped tightly around her back.  Pulling her mouth from Janet’s breast, her puckered lips being the last to release the rapturously tortured nipple, she panted quietly,

 

“I love you, Janet.  I love you, so much.”  Still holding Janet’s deliciously tormented breast, she moved to suckle the other.

 

Turning on her side, she pulled Janet with her and rested her head in the crook of Janet’s arm.  She paused to nuzzle the breast with her lips and nose and after a few licks across a plump nipple that made Janet shudder with delight; she gently placed her lips around the hardened nub and suckled again.

 

Janet reached a hand to stroke soft blond locks and lifted her head slightly to look down at her spouse,

 

“I love you so much, sweet…”

 

A tender smile quirked the corner of her mouth; Sam had fallen asleep.  Janet lowered her head back against the pillow, still smiling as she listened to Sam’s deep, even breaths.  _And this is just fine too_ , she thought, closing her eyes contentedly.  As she drifted off Sam suddenly swallowed and her lips smacked together unconsciously around Janet’s nipple.  Janet pressed her lips together as some distant part of Sam’s brain seemed to register the nipple in her mouth and she began to suckle in her sleep. Janet soon found herself panting again as she held Sam’s head against her and unable to stop herself, she moved the hand still holding her other breast down to her quaking and sodden center, pushing Sam’s somnolent fingers between her slick and swollen folds.  Her fingers twitched involuntarily and Janet pressed them against her, rubbing them over her rigid clitoris and between aching folds.  Her body suddenly tensed as the orgasm overtook her and she squeezed her eyes shut as she strained not to thrash around as she came.  Tremors shook her rigid body for several long, excruciating and exquisitely magnificent moments.

 

 _Oh my_ , she thought as she panted and lying limp on the bed, stared up at the ceiling, _that was simply wonderful_.  Then she squinted as she became aware of the large wet spot she was lying in.  In her zeal to control her climax Janet ejaculated more than usual and there was quite a puddle soaking into the sheet between her dripping thighs.  _Worth it_ , she sighed inwardly as she tucked Sam’s hand further into the wet between her legs; _it’s always worth it.  Always._

 

~

 

Seated at the end of the dining room table, Sam sipped gingerly at her tea.  She had almost finished her bowl of cereal but stopped before her stomach could roil in protest.  Now she sat with her eyes closed, slowly sipping her chamomile tea, willing her stomach to relax as she slowly sipped and breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth.  So she didn’t notice when Janet came into the room and murmured before placing a soft hand on her shoulder,

 

“You okay?”

 

Taking one last sip, she placed the mug on the table and opened her eyes to take in her spouse in a crisp white uniform shirt and dark skirt and heels, “Yeah,” she leaned her head back against the chair, smiling up at her, “I’m great.”

 

Janet smiled back and sat on one of the chair’s arms.  Placing her hands on either side of Sam’s face she smiled down at her, “Yes, sweetheart, you certainly are.”  And tilting Sam’s head back slightly, bent to place a soft kiss against her lips.

 

Sam’s eyes closed in contentment and when they parted Janet paused to pass her thumb across her lips before continuing, “Before we leave for work there are three things I need to discuss with you…” uncertainty crossed Sam’s features and Janet schooled her voice to a gentle tone, “First, sweetheart, you have to stop palming your pain meds.”  Alarm, then guilt clouded Sam’s face and Janet hurried to reassure her, caressing her face with her hands, “You’re not in trouble, hon, but I need you to understand that you can’t heal if you’re in pain.  If the meds aren’t working or if they’re making it too hard for you to think clearly while you’re working then tell me so I can try something else, okay?”

 

Sam blinked slowly and nodded, “I’m sorry, I just…”

 

Janet braced one hand against the back of the chair and leaned down to kiss her softly, “It’s alright, sweetheart.  You also need to start taking something for the nausea…” She saw the look of resignation in Sam’s eyes and stroked her cheek with the back of her fingers, “Sam, you’re nauseated at nearly every meal now, you usually vomit what little you manage to force down and I know you’re not eating the snacks I have sent to your lab,” she smiled in spite of herself when she caught the guilty look in Sam’s eyes, “Oh yes, Colonel,” she placed her finger under Sam’s chin to tilt her face to her, “I know you’re feeding them to your babysitters.”  She chuckled, “You’re busted on both counts.”  She looked down into Sam’s pained blue eyes, her voice and expression soft, “You can’t afford to lose what little weight you’ve gained back, love, and you lost a pound and a half last week.”  Sam closed her eyes and Janet added, “And I want you to start seeing someone, Sam, for the flashbacks and nightmares.”

 

Sam tried to turn her head away in shame but Janet wouldn’t let her,

 

“Sam,” she pleaded and smoothed blond bangs back from her face, making her look up at her, “please, sweetheart, I’ll go with you, but I’m afraid for you.  The nightmares are getting worse and…”

 

“Okay.”  Sam immediately felt guilty, then asked, her eyes pleading, “But does it have to be McKenzie?”

 

Janet breathed a sigh of relief, “No, I was thinking of my friend, Diane, at the hospital.”

 

Sam nodded, “Okay.”  And pulled one of Janet’s hands to her lips, kissing first the back of her fingers, then turned it gently to place a kiss against her palm.

 

Before Sam could apologize again Janet lifted her chin and placed another kiss against her lips, “Please let me help you, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

Janet wrapped her arms around her, tucking Sam’s head under her chin and murmured into her hair, “I love you, Sam.”

 

Sam wrapped her arms around Janet’s waist, gently pulling her into her lap, “I know.”  She murmured, her eyes closed once again in contentment as she nuzzled Janet’s neck, “I love you too.”

 

~

 

Sam was in her lab, staring in frustration at SG3’s artifact when she flinched, the sudden shadowy flash making her jump.

 

“Ma’am?”  Her babysitter asked.

 

She shook her head, “It’s nothing.”  She murmured, slightly out of breath.  Leaning her hands on the table she closed her eyes and hung her head, begging her body to stop reacting, after the fact, to her experience with the Zhang.  In her mind’s eye she pictured Janet standing over her hospital bed, the all too familiar look of concern on her features.

 

Sam inhaled slowly, willing the image to override the cramping in her shoulder and she breathed slowly in through her nose and out through her mouth.  In her mind, she reached a hand to stroke Janet’s face, longing to caress away the worry once and for all.  Still standing with her head bowed at the worktable she relaxed, if marginally, as she let all of her attention focus on the image of Janet’s smiling face.  Sam drew a deep breath as the fantasy began to take hold and, it seemed to the watchful babysitter, that she became even more relaxed when Sam suddenly stood rigidly upright, her eyes wide and staring,

 

A shadow suddenly loomed behind Janet and Sam tried to call out to her even as the shadow enveloped her in its black depths,

 

 _“JANET!”_   Sam suddenly screamed and bolted from her lab, running at top speed.

 

“HEY!”  The airman yelped in surprise and stumbled from the stool as he ran after her.

 

Sam ran for all she was worth: Janet was in trouble, she had to get to the infirmary and she ran for the elevator, her long legs and straining lungs screaming in protest.  Just as she reached the elevator the doors opened and Sam flew past an exiting airman, making him jump out of the way.  She turned in time to bounce herself off the back wall, a breathless shout of pain escaping her as her shoulder impacted the unyielding surface and she forcefully flung herself forward, hitting the buttons to close the doors and send the elevator to the infirmary level.

 

She could hear the babysitter shouting as he pounded toward the elevator but the doors closed just as he reached them.  He pounded the doors in frustration and rushed to the nearest phone,

 

“This is Anderson,” he barked into the receiver, “I think Colonel Carter’s on her way there, but something’s wrong…”

 

~

 

Sam’s lungs burned and she sank to her knees, her shaking legs were unable to support her any longer and her hands clutched her chest as she struggled to breathe, her face turning red.  With insufficient levels of oxygen reaching her overtaxed lungs and body, she finally slumped onto her side.

 

When the doors finally opened again she was curled into a fetal position, unconscious.  Janet and the crash team were waiting for her and after slipping an oxygen mask over Sam’s nose and mouth Janet had a nurse bag her, forcing air into her lungs for a full minute as Janet checked Sam’s vitals before allowing the team to place her on a gurney and take her to the infirmary.

 

~

 

Sam moaned softly through the oxygen mask but still smiled faintly in relief when familiar fingers stroked the hair from her forehead.  She turned her head slightly to look at her wife when a sound of distress suddenly broke from her. _This is exactly how Janet looked just before the shadow took her_ , she thought, panicked and struggled to get off the hospital bed,

 

“Janet!”  She croaked; her throat and lungs raw.  Janet gently pushed her good shoulder back against the bed,

 

“Shh, sweetheart,” she murmured, placing her hands on either side of Sam’s face, “Slow down, hon, I don’t want to give you anymore sedative just yet.”  Sam could see pleading in her wife’s eyes and stopped her struggles, her face a mask of pain as her body revolted against the sudden exertions, “Please, Sam.”  Janet begged, “Ease down…”

 

Shaking from the effort, Sam finally eased back against the mattress, “Trouble…” she whispered breathlessly through the mask, “I thought you were in trouble…”

 

Janet continued to stroke and caress her face and hair, “Shh, Sam, I’m alright.  Everything’s okay here.”  She reached to stroke Sam’s arm and checked the I.V. she had inserted to administer fluids and a mild sedative, “from what Airman Anderson said I think you had an anxiety attack…” Sam closed her eyes in defeat and shame, “Sam.”  Janet’s voice became stern and Sam opened them obediently, “It’s alright, sweetheart, it was just an anxiety attack, but that mad sprint here was the most physical thing you’ve done since the Zhang attacked you and your lungs,” she sighed, “along with the rest of your body simply collapsed from the strain.”  She was going to playfully add that her physical therapist was going to be pissed, but she could tell from Sam’s expression that she wouldn’t think that was funny.  “I need you to go back to sleep for a while, okay?”  She lowered the bedrail and sat on the edge of the mattress, “Sam,” she took her hand and after checking the pulse oximeter on her forefinger, held the hand on her lap, stroking the back softly with her thumbs, “I’m going to call Diane Rayne and ask if she can see us tomorrow, alright?”

 

Sam sighed inside the mask, “Okay.”  She said softly, closing her eyes.

 

Janet leaned to place her forehead against her wife’s, “It’s alright, sweetheart, but it’s time, okay?” and placed a kiss above her brow before sitting back up again.

 

Sam only nodded and Janet stroked fingers through blond locks, “We’ll need to spend the night here…”

 

A frustrated sob broke from Sam and she pulled the mask from her face, “I’m sorry,” she pleaded.

 

“Sam!” Janet grabbed for the oxygen mask, trying to place it back over Sam’s nose and mouth.

 

“I’m sorry,” Sam begged, her chest heaving, “I couldn’t help it, Janet, please, I’m sorry…”

 

“Sam…”

 

“I couldn’t help it, I swear,” the harshly whispered words tumbled from her in a rush and Janet stopped struggling with the mask, trying desperately to calm her, “I thought you were in trouble and I just wanted to get here as fast as I could…”

 

Janet stroked her thumb over her lips in an effort to quiet her, “I know, hon, slow down, sweetheart, it’s okay; we’re all okay down here, shhh, easy now…” She continued to murmur soothing words of comfort as she stroked Sam’s hair and face, and when Sam’s harsh breathing finally slowed, Janet pulled the oxygen mask back over her nose and mouth, “Just breathe, sweetheart,” she whispered, “I meant we’ll need to spend the night in our quarters, alright?”  She quirked her eyebrows at her, “Just you and me, okay?”

 

Frightened blue eyes desperately searched the depths of Janet’s deep brown for a long moment before she nodded.

 

“It’s going to be alright,” she said, keeping her eyes firmly locked on Sam’s, “Understand?”

 

Sam nodded and her eyes closed in relief as she finally sank into the bed beneath her.

 

“Rest now, sweetheart,” Janet leaned forward again to place another kiss on her temple, whispering, “I’ll be right here… always.”

 

~

 

Janet had dinner delivered to their quarters, an airman delivering the covered plates just as the pair arrived, walking slowly together, arm in arm from the elevator.  After a light dinner that Sam keep managed to keep down thanks to another dose of mild sedative Janet gave her before leaving the infirmary, they took a long, hot shower together.  They soaped each other silently, Sam’s scarred hands passing reverently over Janet’s smooth skin and Janet’s soft hands smoothing, equally worshipful, over the scars that covered Sam’s still too lean body.  After rinsing the shampoo from Janet’s hair Sam tilted her face to hers, smoothing her hands over the planes of Janet’s face, speechless as she gazed into her eyes.  Finally, Sam pulled her close, tucking the petite woman under her chin and wrapped her arms around her, her eyes closed in contentment.  They stood silently for a long time in the steam and cascade of hot water, their arms wrapped firmly around one another.

 

They finally exited the shower and dried one other with large, military issue white towels.  They left the light on in the bathroom, leaving the door ajar and Sam slipped into bed first, Janet piling the pillows behind her so she was sitting with her back against the headboard.  Sam looked up at her questioningly as she climbed on Sam’s lap, straddling her.  She clasped Sam’s face in soft hands and leaned to capture Sam’s lips with her own.

 

The kiss was gentle, lips softly caressing one another, Janet’s tongue occasionally darting out to briefly lick and taste before closing her lips on Sam’s once again.  Sam wrapped her hands around Janet’s slim waist, her fingers splaying across warm, soft skin as her hands roamed up the length of her back and down to her cleft.  Scarred palms smoothed over soft rounded mounds of flesh, down to the thighs and the juncture between, fingertips just brushing over the soft hairs, pressing into the moisture gathered there by Janet’s rising ardor.

 

Janet was acutely aware of Sam’s hands as they glided over her rapidly heating skin, and as her kisses became more fervent and demanding she opened her eyes briefly to take in the sight of her nipples dangling tantalizingly close to Sam’s and she sighed as she arched against her, making Sam moan into her mouth as Janet pressed the hardened, sensitive nubs against her own.  She pushed herself into Sam, reveling in the connection of skin pressed hotly against skin and she moaned again as she began to undulate against Sam’s concave belly.  Sam shifted slightly on the bed in an effort to deepen the contact between them and, grasping Janet’s backside; pulled her tightly against her.  Janet spread her legs even wider, gasping aloud as her center opened completely, hotly bathing Sam’s abdomen.  Sam groaned, swearing silently that she could feel the muscles of Janet’s opening clutching wantonly at her belly, the engorged folds hot and slick as she heaved against her.

 

Sam’s breath became ragged and Janet pulled her mouth from Sam’s, “Are you okay?” She asked, breathless.

 

Sam grunted her assent, “For the first time all day.”

 

Janet smiled and surged even more forcefully against her.  Closing her eyes, she began to grind against Sam’s belly in earnest, pulling her mouth from Sam’s she moved one hand to grasp Sam’s good shoulder and leaned forward slightly to grab the headboard with the other.  Finally, close enough to drag and pound her taut breasts and achingly hard, sensitive nipples against Sam’s.

 

Sam gripped the straining buttocks for all she was worth, pulling Janet hard against her with each thrust.  The feel and smell of Janet’s soaking wet arousal now made slapping noises against her; the juices running down her belly and into soft curls made her head swim deliriously.  Unable to resist, Sam let go of the tight mound of muscled flesh and reached a hand between them, between Janet’s legs and fondled the throbbing nub long enough to make Janet press her lips together before moaning,

 

“Oh, Sam,” she begged, “inside me, Sam, please… oh please, baby…”

 

Breathless, Sam gazed up at her with glazed eyes as she slid two fingers further down, between throbbing folds and into her wife, making Janet cry out softly.  Sam held her close and stroked the tight, inner walls faster; her thumb furiously rubbing the rigid clitoris, Janet’s thrusting hips and undulations becoming more frantic as she ground against her.  Soft, desperate, keening noises escaped Janet’s throat and she pressed herself tightly against Sam as she ejaculated hotly in her hand.  She gyrated helplessly, the softly desperate cries continuing against Sam’s cheek and Sam continued to pump her fingers in the steaming depths, determined to make her wife come and ejaculate long and hard.

 

Janet collapsed against her wife, still undulating, still moaning as Sam made her come again and again,

 

“Oh god, baby,” she begged, “please, no more… _no more....”_

 

But Sam pumped until the hot explosions finally stopped before slowing the hand inside and gently turning Janet onto her back on the bed.

 

The petite woman lay boneless, spread-eagle, and keeping her left arm wrapped firmly around her back, Sam gently began to scoop the still warm ejaculate from between her wife’s legs and smeared it across Janet’s breasts and down her belly, making them shine in the darkness.

 

“How is it,” Sam murmured softly as she worked, “How is it you can come so hard… so long… and ejaculate so much?”

 

Janet’s eyes remained closed when she answered in a strained and breathless voice, “I don’t know, sweetheart.  I guess it’s just my body’s way of keeping up with yours.”

 

Sam emitted a soft snort of amusement and she shifted on the mattress, sliding her body down the length of Janet’s.  Keeping herself pressed against the length of her she wrapped both arms around her and dropped her mouth over a softened and pliant nipple, feeling it pebble and stiffen once again in her mouth as she reveled in the taste of Janet’s essence.

 

Janet pressed her lips together but a soft moan still broke from her, “Oh, Sam…” she breathed.

 

“Hmm?”  Sam hummed as she sucked and lapped at her breasts, “Pay no attention,” she whispered quietly, “I’m just going to keep myself busy while you rest.”

 

Janet snorted softly, chuckling, “And what makes you think I can rest while you’re doing that?”

 

~

 

When Janet called to make the appointment Diane had insisted both women come in civilian clothes.  She had learned early on that the uniform acted all too easily as a barrier between her patients and her, and the rest of the world for that matter.  She could only imagine the impenetrability both Sam and Janet’s double silver eagles provided as they rested on the shoulders of their uniforms.  She could only hope casual dress would help speed both full-bird colonels to their core issues.

 

Diane Rayne had earned her medical degree in her home country of Australia but, through a set of odd circumstances she found herself in the United States, briefly practicing psychiatry in Southern California until a chance meeting with an air force general led her to a position at the academy hospital in Boulder, Colorado.  During her first months treating the military personnel there, she became friends with the hospital’s Chief of Staff and Cheyenne Mountain’s chief medical officer, Dr. Janet Fraiser.  It was on Janet’s recommendation that Diane received top security clearance so she could treat stargate personnel, and as she became familiar with the extraordinary lives these people led, she came to regard the tiny colonel with respect and awe.

 

But those first years of treating the people who regularly traveled to other worlds could not compare to her experience of finally caring for the petite brunette when her first wife was killed by a group of thugs called the Tian gang.  It wasn’t until Diane found herself the physician in charge of the CMO’s care that she finally read the extensive medical file of Samantha Carter.

 

And now the tall, recovering colonel was presenting with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and a classically severe case at that, her already weakened physical condition deteriorating over time as her psychiatric condition worsened.

 

Diane sat before the stacks of medical files on her desk in wonder.  _How could one person survive all these injuries?_   A knock at her office door stirred her and she rose to greet the colonels, smiling when she saw they were both dressed in blue jeans; Janet in running shoes and a blouse under her coat, Sam in boots and a barn coat over her v-neck pullover.

 

She greeted both women warmly, stooping to enfold Janet in a hug and raising herself to her full height to hug Sam who, at 5’9” stood a full inch shorter than Diane.  After both women declined her offer of hot tea, she made a cup for herself, talking as she watched the mug slowly spin on the rotating plate in the microwave,

 

“So, if I may give a brief summary of what ultimately brings you to my office, I’ll try to start at the beginning and bring us up to the present moment so we can jump right to it, alright?”  She turned to look at the two women who sat tensely in the chairs in front of her desk.  “Please feel free to stop and correct me at any time.”  The timer dinged on the microwave and Diane pulled the mug of boiling water from its depths, dropping in two teabags as she walked back to her desk,

 

Sam was looking at the files piled on her desk, “Is reading my medical file relevant to you?”  She asked.

 

 _A bit defensive_ and _naive_ , Diane thought.

 

“ _Everything_ about your life in the Air Force is relevant, Samantha, especially your medical file. Surely you can see why.”

 

Sam pressed her lips together and tried, unsuccessfully, not to nervously grip the arms of the chair.  Diane watched surreptitiously as Janet placed a hand over Sam’s, stroking the hand and arm until Sam let go of the chair’s arm so Janet could pull the hand onto her lap.

 

“This first part will be easy,” she assured them as she cleared Sam’s files from her desk, stacking them on the cabinet behind her, “You two met at the base in Cheyenne Mountain, you’ve been married for almost nine years… and quite happily despite the enormously stressful careers you both have.”  She paused in her narration to arch her eyebrows at both women, “How am I doing so far?” She asked.

 

Janet smiled, “So far, so good.”

 

“Okay,” Diane continued, “Things were great, in fact, until Sam was abducted offworld and subsequently killed by members of the Tian Gang.”

 

Diane watched the range of emotions cross both women’s faces; this time it was Sam who turned to comfort Janet, raising Janet’s hand to place a soft kiss against her knuckles.  Janet looked at her and nodded silently.

 

“But you came back,” she continued, “as it were, enduring some inscrutable process called Quantum Integration before being thrown, against your will, back into your old world, where you were detained until you were able to come back here, permanently this time, and now you want to have more children, but some nasty flashbacks and nightmares are slowing down your recovery, Sam.”  She carefully squeezed out the tea bags over her mug before dropping them in the trash, “How was that?”  She asked as she brought the steaming mug to her lips.

 

Janet nodded, “Just fine, Dine.” gracing the woman with a small smile at her inadvertent rhyme.  Janet had called her “Dine” from the beginning and Diane loved her for it; from the start Janet Fraiser went out of her way to make her feel welcome in the strange and unfamiliar, military setting.

 

“I understand you’re going to a planet called PeredaVoy to have your ova combined and you, Sam, will carry the child… another daughter, yes?”

 

Sam nodded, smiling, “Yes, as soon as I’m better.”

 

“Hmm,” Diane nodded, “Better’ being the operative word here.”

 

“Sam is still underweight and…” Janet faltered as she looked at Diane.

 

“And so your plans to have another child have been put on hold for a while.”

 

Janet only nodded.

 

“Well,” Diane turned her mug thoughtfully on the desktop as she spoke, “Given your recent experiences, Sam, it’s no surprise you’re having a problem with Post Traumatic Stress.  I understand you had an anxiety episode yesterday when you thought Janet was in jeopardy and ran to help her in the infirmary?”

 

Sam nodded.

 

“You lost your first Janet more than three years ago?”

 

“Yes.” She whispered.

 

“It must have been horrific for you when you were thrown back into your old world, finally together after so long only to be separated from her again…. The fear and despair must have been overwhelming.”

 

Sam’s eyes brimmed and she sniffed, gripping Janet’s hand, “Yes.” She whispered again.

 

“And you, Janet,” she turned to the petite woman, “You’re no stay-at-home-and-worry wife; you’ve watched her die, and you’ve brought her back from the brink of death… more than once.”

 

“Yes.” Janet answered her.

 

“How has Sam’s pain and suffering affected you in this marriage?”

 

Janet squinted briefly, unsure how to answer, “I’m actually here to support Sam in _her_ therapy.”

 

“Yes, but you are both in this relationship.” Diane pressed, needing a reaction from one of the pair if they were going to get their feet wet in the big issues before their time was up, “How you act and react within the relationship affects Sam as well.”

 

“She’s always there for me.” Sam finally piped up, “Every time I have a nightmare she’s always there to comfort me, she’s both my doctor and my wife…” Sam faltered a moment, and then continued, “I just wish I could stop being such a burden….  I want to hurry up and recover so I can be her wife again, so I can get back to my job again.”

 

“Protecting Janet.”

 

“Yes.”  The answer was swift and without hesitation.

 

“Is that how you see your role in this relationship?” Diane asked, “As Janet’s protector?”

 

“Yes; and her wife.”

 

“So it’s no wonder you both carry a tremendous amount of fear centered around losing each other.  After all, Janet, you’ve lost Sam not once but twice, that’s a lot for any person to endure in a single lifetime.” She picked up her tea mug, “it must be difficult, loving someone so much when you constantly worry about her being hurt or killed?”

 

“I hate that Sam has suffered so much pain in her life.”  She could see Janet steel herself, “It hurts both as her spouse and as her doctor. It hurts because I can’t prevent it and I have experienced the terror of trying to save her life and losing her in the battle between life and death….” Janet blinked furiously, “Yes,” her voice dropped to a whisper, “it terrifies me.”  She drew a deep breath, “Sam wants to have another child, and she is insistent that she be the one to carry this first biological child for us…” she turned to smile wistfully at her wife, “She is determined to give me this child,” her voice faltered as she looked at Sam, “But her recovery has been slow, and being pregnant is clearly not a good idea right now….”

 

“But we want to have our baby at the same time our friends, Daniel and Vala have theirs.” Sam interrupted her, “We want to raise our kids together so we’re going to PeredaVoy together…”

 

“I will not make you pregnant just to satisfy Daniel and Vala...”

 

Sam argued patiently, “But the Voyans can speed the recovery process…”

 

“Oh, really?”  Janet’s eyebrows practically arched into her hairline.

 

“Okay,” Diane raised her hands in surrender, “I think we’re getting a little off topic here, but we’re off to a good start, and while we’re out of time for today I think it’s clear we have a lot of issues to address so I’ll see you again, this same time next week unless you need to see me sooner, alright?”

 

~

 

Emotionally spent, Sam and Janet dragged their feet as they entered the house and Janet tiredly dropped her hand on Sam’s back,

 

“Let’s both lie down for a few minutes before dinner, okay?”

 

Sam turned to drape an arm around her as they shuffled down the hallway, “That sounds good to me.”  She groaned and after kicking off their shoes, the pair lay down on their bed, exhausted.

 

“I didn’t think our first visit was going to be so intense.”  Sam remarked through close eyes, “Do you think they’ll all be like that?”

 

“Oh,” Janet sighed heavily, “I think they’ll be much worse than we had today.”

 

The admission silenced Sam for several minutes.

 

“Janet,” Sam finally whispered; “are you still wake?”

 

“Mmm-hmm.” She murmured without moving in the bed.

 

“While I was on the other side of the mirror… after Mitchell threw me through the glass, I… I went home, to my old house.”  She spoke in a quiet, hesitant voice, “I was only going to rest for a couple of days but… but once I got in bed, I didn’t want to get back up again….” Her voice faltered, making Janet’s eyes open, turning her head to look at her in the fading light, “and, at some point I pulled my Berretta from the nightstand… I don’t even know why I took it out of the drawer at first…. I really don’t….  I held onto it for days, pushing it under the pillow to hide it when I went to the bathroom.  I don’t know how much time passed before I finally wondered if I could just do it, just push the end of the barrel against my heart and pull the trigger.”

 

Sam unconsciously mimicked holding the gun to her chest as she spoke and tears slid from the corners of Janet’s eyes, a quiet sob breaking from her and she rolled onto her side, pulling Sam’s hand from her chest,

 

“No…” She shook her head miserably from side to side. 

 

“I was so tired… and it hurt so much….  I couldn’t take the pain anymore.  Everything throbbed and hurt so much.”  Distant blue eyes looked down a little wonderingly into anguished brown, “It hurt, here,” she rubbed her chest thoughtfully, “it hurt and I just wanted it to stop, you know?  I was so tired… I just wanted it to stop.  But I couldn’t do it, I knew how pissed you’d be if you ever found out.”  Janet pressed Sam’s hand over her heart as she wept and inched across the mattress toward her.

 

“I’m sorry.”  Sam finally turned onto her side, facing her, “I’m so sorry, Janet.”  She whispered against her hair, drawing her arms around her, pulling her close.

 

Sam held her until the soft weeping finally subsided and as the daylight finally retreated from their room the women slept, their arms securely wrapped around each other.

 

~

 

_She was doubled over in pain, clutching her stomach and when she opened her eyes the room tilted sickeningly at a steep angle, making her groan aloud.  Her vision cast the room in red shadow and as she blinked the blood from her eyes she realized she was lying on the floor of the Zhang museum, her blood awash on the tiles beneath her.  Shaking, she pulled and dragged herself along the floor until a man dressed in an ornate robe suddenly loomed in front of her and viscously kicked her in the stomach, making her roll onto her other side and retch violently on the blood-splattered floor._

 

Harsh light spilled across the bed from the bathroom and Janet blinked into the glare even as she struggled from the bed.  Sounds of retching had pulled her from a deep sleep and she scrambled across the mattress, rushing to the bathroom.  Sam knelt limply in front of the toilet, sweat-soaked hair plastered to her forehead and neck as she panted, shaking in sweat-stained clothing.

 

“Just dry heaves…” she struggled to explain as Janet knelt beside her; “I can’t stop…” her sentence trailed off in an agonized whimper as she bent over the bowl once more, crying noises escaping her as she retched.

 

Alarm slammed through Janet’s brain as she smoothed the sweat-soaked hair from Sam’s brow, hot skin flaming beneath her fingers.

 

“Sam?”  She willed the panic from her voice as she helped her lean back against the wall, “Let me have a quick look…”

 

“Hurts,” Sam wailed breathlessly in a tight voice, clutching her stomach she turned pleading, glassy eyes to her, “I’m so tired,” she begged, “It hurts.”  She repeated, dazed, “I’m sorry… I…”

  
Janet unbuttoned and unzipped Sam’s jeans and ran her hands over her abdomen, palpating her lower right quadrant first, then worked her way toward Sam’s stomach, feeling the generalized cramping, the palpations making Sam moan in pain,

 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

 

Confident Sam had a stomach flu and not appendicitis; she stroked her face with slightly shaking hands, “Wait here now.”  She commanded and tore from the bathroom to grab her medical bag from the floor of their closet.  Stilling her hands to a calm she didn’t feel, Janet quickly drew ten milligrams of a smooth muscle relaxant into a syringe and carefully injected it directly into a vein on Sam’s arm, “That’s a good girl,” she soothed, pressing a cotton ball over the injection site she turned to toss the used syringe into the wastebasket, “Just breathe, love,” she crooned softly as she stroked Sam’s face once more.  Sam weakly grabbed for her as she rose from the floor,

 

“No.”  She panted faintly.

 

“Hang on, sweetheart,” Janet gently pushed her hand back down to her lap, “I’m not going anywhere,” she murmured as she grabbed a washcloth from the towel rack and after running cool water over it in the sink, wrung it out and returned to Sam on the floor, “Just relax now, let the meds work.”  She murmured soothingly as she wiped Sam’s flushed and fevered face.

 

Exhausted, half-lidded eyes turned to her, “I’m sick.”  She stated weakly.

 

Janet slumped a moment in her ministrations to grin tiredly at her wife, “Yes, hon, you have the flu.  It won’t last long though, okay?”

 

“’Kay.” Sam’s eyes closed and she leaned her head back against the wall.  Janet returned to the sink to rinse the washcloth, noticing Sam’s respirations seemed more relaxed though her face was still flushed from fever.

 

“Can you feel the meds kicking in?” She asked as she sat next to her again,

 

“Yeah.”  Sam murmured; her voice barely audible.  Janet gently wiped her down again with the cool cloth,

 

“Good, if you think you’re done vomiting for a while we need to get you out of these sweaty clothes and into pajamas and bed, okay?”

 

Sam only grunted her assent and with Janet’s help, changed out of her clothes and into the blue pajamas after Janet quickly wiped her down with the cool washcloth.  After tucking her into bed Janet spent the night keeping cool compresses pressed against Sam’s forehead and wiped her down with cool washcloths.  She kept a bowl from the kitchen by the bed as Sam’s bouts of nausea continued to double her over onto her side, Janet holding the bowl while she dry heaved into it.

 

The hours passed with agonizing slowness as Janet kept a nervous vigil.  Sam lay under a single sheet, deathly still, her pale features unmoving as Janet listened to her shallow breathing with the stethoscope, watching as Sam’s eyes began to dart from side to side beneath pallid lids,

 

 _Janet… I need to get home to Janet_ , _she thought from her place on the floor._   _I just need to get up and go home to Janet before they come back….  Sam tried to raise herself from the floor and bit off a groan when overwhelming pain stopped her in her tracks.  Panting, she collapsed again against the cold floor, shivering from cold and shuddering in agony as a small, whimpering cry escaped her lips.  She was never going to get out of here.  Never._

 

Emitting a soft cry, Sam suddenly lurched over the side of the bed, “Sick.”  Was all she could manage and Janet held the bowl for her as she retched, the small amount of weak tea Janet had coaxed into her earlier making its reappearance in the bottom of the bowl.

 

“Easy, sweetheart” she whispered as Sam gasped for breath, and rubbed soothing circles over quivering back muscles as the vomiting ended and Sam finally lay limply over the side of the mattress.

 

 Janet rolled her gingerly onto her back again, wiping her face with another cool cloth.  She paused to place a hand against Sam’s flushed cheek and pursed her lips together in frustration, her skin was still so hot and dry.

 

The vomiting finally abated just after one AM; every thirty minutes Janet checked her vitals, determinedly pulling down the blankets over Sam’s shivering protestations, opening the pajama top and pulling down the bottoms to wipe down Sam’s fevered body with a cool cloth,

 

“This would be such turn on if I didn’t feel so shitty.”  Sam grumbled, making Janet smile,

 

“Ooo,” she murmured, “sounds like it’s time to temp you again, your fever must be breaking if you have the strength to be a smartass.”  She smiled and leaned down to place her lips against Sam’s forehead, “Mmm,” she murmured softly, “you definitely feel cooler.” and sat back up to grab the auto-thermometer from her bag, “Ah looked high and low, but unfo’tunately,” she drawled as she inserted the tip of the instrument in Sam’s ear, “Ah nevuh’ found the rectal thermometer, Colonel, honey.”  Making Sam smile, if tiredly,

 

“Sure, and _I’m_ the smartass.” She mumbled, making Janet smile in return and then asked, “What time is it?”

 

Janet waited for the beep on the thermometer before turning to the clock on the nightstand,

 

“Just before five.”  She said then looked down at the thermometer, “Well,” she sighed in obvious relief, “ninety-nine point nine.  That’s a lot better than where you were five hours ago.”  _No shit_ , a small voice chided her, it had taken all of her control not to panic and call paramedics when Sam’s fever had spiked at a hundred and three point seven.

 

“Can you come to bed now?”  Sam asked tiredly, reaching for her hand.

 

Janet nodded, “For a few minutes, sweetheart, but then I need to get you up, okay?”  She turned out the lamp on the nightstand and pulled the covers over her wife before lying down next to her on the bed.

 

“Stay home.”  Sam mumbled as she turned to Janet, reaching sleepily for her breasts, nuzzling them through her shirt.

 

“Can’t.”  Janet murmured, and wrapping her arm around Sam she held her close with one hand, her other unbuttoning her shirt, “When the alarm goes off I need to get you to the infirmary so I can keep an eye on you… during my shift…” she pulled her shirt and bra strap down over her shoulder, then positioned Sam’s questing mouth against her exposed breast and Sam, now asleep, suckled the nipple, making small, inarticulate sounds in the back of her throat.   Holding Sam’s head cradled against her, Janet slept dreamlessly until the jarring alarm on their bedside clock woke her thirty-five minutes later.

 

~

 

Sam’s temperature was nearly normal by the time they were ready to leave the house an hour later, but she was alarmingly weak and too tired to even scowl at her when Janet called ahead for a wheelchair to be waiting at the entrance of the base.

 

Both women arrived in the infirmary looking pale and drawn with dark circles under their eyes and Janet’s head nurse stepped in to quickly help her move Sam from the wheelchair to the bed, then quickly disappeared around the corner for a few minutes.  She stayed out of the way; knowing Janet had to finish settling Sam in by herself before she would allow anyone else to help her in her wife’s care.

 

After tucking Sam in a bed in a quiet corner of the infirmary, Janet gave her a quick exam, then finally let her sleep after Sam shook her head no to the questions; are you feeling nauseous and are you in any pain?  She then spent the better part of her day snapping at staff and patients alike.  She even snapped at Gen. Hammond when he called to see how Sam was doing.  She checked on her every fifteen minutes, but Sam slept deeply throughout the morning, evidence of her exhaustion from vomiting so much the evening and night before. When Janet finally decided to catch up on some paperwork in her office she wasn’t terribly surprised to find Dr. Rayne waiting for her.  The tall woman sat quietly in a chair in front of Janet’s desk; long legs crossed elegantly at the knee, hands folded neatly in her lap,

 

“General Hammond called me.”  She stated rather drolly.

 

Janet heaved a huge sigh and tossed her stack of patient files on the desk before sitting heavily in her chair, “No shit?”

 

Diane smiled and sitting up straighter in the chair, leaned her elbows on Janet’s desk, “How is Sam?”

 

Janet reached to squeeze the back of her neck with both hands, “Oh, her fever broke just before five this morning; it was just a barfy flu.  But she’s not in any condition to handle something that exhausting… and like any other opportune virus; in her it could have become life-threatening.”

 

“Well, I’m glad to hear she’s on the mend.”  Diane sat back in the chair again.  “I take it you didn’t get any sleep last night?”

 

Janet snorted and dropped her hands on the arms of her chair, “No, not so much.”

 

“It must be hard when you’re both Sam’s wife and her doctor.”

 

“I don’t like seeing her in pain…” Hands moved to tightly clasp each other in her lap.

 

“And it’s your job to save her.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And it’s your fault when you can’t?”

 

Janet’s eyes took on a steely cast but she sat mutely.

 

“Was it your fault when you couldn’t save Sam on the gateroom floor?”

 

Janet looked down at the tightly clasped hands she held in her lap.

 

“And if you had saved her, this Sam would have died from entropic cascade, yes?”

 

“Yes.”  She said in the barest whisper, her eyes starting to brim.

 

“And if this Sam should die, Janet, will you still go on?”

 

Tears slipped from her eyes and she shrugged helplessly, her chin trembling.

 

“Do you think it’s inevitable that you lose her?”

 

A sob broke from her as she answered, “I don’t know.”

 

“But the thought terrifies you?”

 

Janet nodded, miserable, and sniffed, “Yes.”

 

Diane quietly regarded her for a long moment, “The first Sam Carter died in your arms on the gateroom floor.”

 

Janet closed her eyes and nodded, tears leaking from the corners and she batted them away.

 

 “When I got to the base you were attending the autopsy….” Diane hesitated briefly before plunging ahead, “Why did you want to see all that, Janet?” She asked, having read the autopsy report and horrified by the long list of abuse Col. Carter had suffered.

 

“I wanted to …” Janet gulped as she struggled to find the words, “I had to acknowledge her bravery for enduring such,” her voice broke, “such pain….  So much pain...”  She closed her eyes, shaking her head, “She’d been cut, beaten, kicked, flogged, wrists and ribs and hands and fingers broken… and raped.” Janet’s voice dropped to the barest of whispers, “Repeatedly.”  She sniffed as she tried to hold the sob at bay but tears still spilled down her cheeks, “I tried to watch as Warner examined her body…” her voice wavered, “But I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t stop staring at her beautiful, lifeless eyes….” Her voice trailed off as she tried to regain a composure she knew she didn’t have.

 

“I remember…” Diane murmured softly.  On the day Sam Carter died, Gen. Hammond had called her to the base; both Daniel and Vala were in shock and unable to help Janet who had refused to leave the body of her dead wife.

 

When Diane finally reached the base the autopsy had begun and wearing a surgical gown over her clothes, she entered the room quietly, her eyes first locking on those of Dr. Warner, who briefly turned sorrowful eyes to her before turning back to his gruesome task.  She quietly made her way across the room to where the petite woman sat quietly on a high stool; one hand firmly wrapped around the colonel’s upper arm, the other stroking blond hair from the dead woman’s eyes as tears slid silently down her face.

 

Although her heels rested in stirrups, Dr. Warner had kept the colonel’s body discreetly draped and his voice broke as he crouched on a stool between her legs, describing the damage caused by the rapes Sam endured.  When Diane reached Janet’s side she gently laid a hand on the small, quaking shoulder and gave her a soft squeeze.  As Dr. Warner continued his horrible narrative Janet began to shake harder,

 

“The perineum is torn and bruised…”

 

 _“Oh, please… no….”_ She moaned.  Dr. Warner had turned pleading eyes to Diane and she gently clasped the small shoulders in firm hands,

 

“Come on now, Janet.”  She had murmured, “Time to go.”

 

“No…” Janet begged, not taking her eyes from Sam.

 

“Yes.”  Diane slowly pulled her from the stool, “You can come back to say goodbye…”

 

 _“No!”_   Janet had sobbed, violently shaking her head from side to side, _“Please!”_   She had clutched at Sam’s arm and pleaded, _“Please!  This can’t be real!  Please!  Oh god, please!  This can’t be happening!”_

 

As Diane pulled her hands from Sam’s body, Janet cried out and her knees buckled.  Diane lifted Janet into her arms and the small woman suddenly clung to her as she quickly crossed the room to the double doors.  Janet continued to beg and plead as she wept, and as Diane turned her back to the doors to push them open, the last view she had of that horrible room was of Dr. Warner stripping off his gloves and weeping into a blue surgical towel.  Once in the hall Diane deposited her load onto a gurney pushed against the wall, but it wasn’t until she gently laid Janet down on the thin mattress that she realized the petite brunette’ hands, uniform and labcoat were covered in dried blood.

 

“She’s in shock.”  Diane turned to the tear-stained faces of the medical staff that waited silently in the hallway, “We need to warm her up, and I need to give her twenty mgs. of Valium I.V.… right now.” She added with quiet authority as she pulled the small, shaking blood-caked form to her once again.

 

~

 

Diane looked at Janet with a sense of complete wonder; ever since that day, every time Diane entered the base she privately equated the ride down in the elevator to descending into hell.  She marveled that Janet could still do it, even after having this Sam back again.

 

Janet reached for some tissues and blew her nose, “All I really remember is being picked up and then waking up in the infirmary.”  Janet pulled the clip from her hair and leaned back in her chair, “A few days later Cassie and I went to see her in the funeral home.  They did as well as they could, but Sam’s poor face had been so battered….”

 

Janet’s eyes closed again in pain as she remembered looking down at her dead wife in the coffin and reaching to softly clasp the lifeless hand in her own.

 

After they were married, whenever Sam went offworld she always gave Janet her wedding band for safekeeping before she left, not wanting to take a chance on having it forcibly removed by a Goa’uld or anyone else.  Janet always slipped Sam’s ring on her behind her own gold wedding band so Sam’s larger band wouldn’t slip off and she remembered looking down into the casket and switching the rings from her left hand to her right; that simple act being the final acknowledgment that she was, indeed, a widow.

 

“But… but, uh… seeing Sam in the… in her uniform… Cassie started to cry….” Through closed eyes, Janet remembered that awful day, of mother and daughter kneeling on the floor in front of Sam’s coffin, arms wrapped around one another as they wept.

 

“But she came back?”

 

Janet nodded.

 

“I mean,” Diane struggled to put her narrative into proper context, not an easy feat with the lives these people led, “This Sam came to you through the mirror and through the process of Quantum Integration; she became your Sam.”

 

Janet nodded again, sniffing.

 

“Then you lost her again when she was thrown back into her old reality.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And she was abused, or rather, neglected there until a rescue of sorts was affected and she was returned to you.”

 

Janet only nodded.

 

“Why do you think the abuse this Sam suffered on the other side of the mirror and remembering her own death here affects only her?”

 

“What?”  Janet blinked and pulled a tissue from the pocket of her labcoat to blow her nose again.

 

“Why do you deny your feelings when you lost her not once, but twice?”

 

Janet shrugged, helplessly, “Because, I got her back.”

 

“So suddenly everything is okay with you again?”

 

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

 

“Janet,” Diane leaned forward in her chair, “Sam’s been back for some time now, but while it’s clear she still has a long way to go in her recovery it’s also clear to me that you’re extremely conflicted in your desire to have children with her….”

 

“I am not, Dine, I love her …”

 

“I know,” Diane gentled her voice, “I think that much is clear, Janet.  What I’m asking, what I’ve asked you before is whether you can go on if you have more children and this Sam dies too… or is otherwise lost to you forever, like she very nearly was this last time.”

 

Janet stared at her with haunted eyes, “I… I….”

 

“I think you’re conflicted; on the one hand you do want to have more children with Sam, but you’re also afraid of whether you can go on if she dies and you’re forced to raise very young children without her.”  Janet hung her head; “On the other hand it’s very tempting to keep her out of harm’s way by keeping her ‘barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen’ isn’t it?”  Janet sniffed and raised her head, giving Diane a half-hearted snort of amusement,

 

“You know, Sam really can’t cook…”

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

Janet nodded, conceding the point, “Yes, Dine, I get it.  But that isn’t going to keep her safe either.”

 

Diane’s eyebrows arched, “Why not?”

 

“Because,” Janet’s eyes suddenly brimmed again, “because if something happens… if she’s needed she’ll go.”  Janet shook her head, “She’ll go and what if being pregnant makes her more vulnerable to…”

 

“Being pregnant will make her weak?”

 

“What if it puts her at a disadvantage…”

 

“You can’t protect her from everything, Janet.”

 

“I know…” Janet held up a hand to stop her, nodding, “I know, Dine.”

 

“Choosing to love someone like Samantha can’t be easy…”

 

Janet made a sound that was half sob, half laughter, “Yes it is….  It’s not a question of choice.  Sam is my life; I could no sooner fly to the moon in a Cessna than _not_ love Sam.  Loving her isn’t hard; it’s the fear of losing her that’s so hard.  And sometimes it’s just not enough to remember that fear is not as powerful as love.”  She reached a hand to stroke through shoulder length hair and releasing a shaky breath, sniffed, “That’s all.”

 

~

 

Sam twitched in her sleep, she had been to this place in her dreams before and she was terrified,

 

She opened pained and bleary eyes and took in the familiar surroundings, the gray walls and gray floor.  Without moving her head too much she could see that she was hanging, suspended by her wrists from steel gray manacles that bit cruelly into her flesh.  The manacles were tied to the upper ends of a steel gray X-beam mounted on the floor, and she bit back a cry and squeezed her eyes shut as she felt her uniform pants and underwear being yanked down from behind her. She struggled weakly against the bonds, but her ankles were chained together and the pants pushed past her knees severely limited her movement.  She heard muffled laughter behind her and felt her skin crawl when an all too familiar hiss erupted close to her ear.  She turned her head away but the laughing presence behind her simply moved the writhing Goa’uld symbiote to her other side,

_“Don’t’cha wanna see him?”  A thick voice slurred, “He’s very handsome,” a large filthy hand reached to caress the back of her hair and she shuddered as the calloused appendage slid its way down her back, gasping as he roughly grabbed one of her buttocks,_

 

“No… no...” Sam murmured in her sleep.

 

“Oh yes, miss, just you wait for it, here he comes now…” Sam could feel the symbiote thrusting its head against her labia and she cried out, clenching herself tightly closed.  The man behind her only laughed harder, he laughed so hard he could barely make himself understood, “Oh, this is gonna’ be so fine, watching him take you….  You know,” He stroked the writhing symbiote against her backside, “they don’t need to enter your body through the back of you neck, or the back of your pretty little throat,” holding the symbiote away he starting rubbing himself against her buttocks, humping against her through his uniform, reaching around her with his filthy free hand to massage her breast through her black tee shirt, “Oh no,” he breathed in her ear, “they can go through any opening that’s made available to them.”  He suddenly backed off and Sam could feel the writhing head of the Goa’uld suddenly pushed against her tightly clenched opening, “Hang on now,” the man chortled, “He’s gonna rip you apart something fierce, crawling up inside of you, but once inside, he’ll fix you right up again….  Unless of course, you bleed to death first...”

 

Sam heard more than felt the horrible ripping and tearing sound and the sudden rush of hot blood gushing from between her legs as she threw back her head and screamed….

Janet had been sleeping on her stomach when the blood-curdling scream tore from Sam’s throat.  An equally involuntary noise erupted from Janet as she suddenly flipped over,

 

“Sam?”  She groped desperately for her in the darkness, pulling her close as Sam frantically tried to curl herself around the smaller woman, terrified, and sobbed violently against her chest.

 

“Sam?”  Janet clutched her tightly, her heart pounding wildly, “Sam, you’re safe, sweetheart, you’re okay…” The words of comfort poured from her in a rush and as Sam cried, her body shaking uncontrollably, Janet realized she was crying too.  She felt so helpless; her love for Sam wasn’t enough to stop the terrible nightmares, and while she knew intellectually it wasn’t her fault, she realized she still felt like a failure, lying here in dark, cradling her traumatized wife in her arms.  Dine was right; she needed almost as much help as Sam if she was ever going to help her through this.  Long minutes passed before Sam could finally whisper,

 

“I’m sorry.”  She hiccupped, “Janet, I’m…”

 

Janet smoothed her fingers over Sam lips, stopping her, “Sam,” she tilted her head to look up at her, “Stop it, Sam.  I love you…”

 

“And I love you,” Sam’s voice still shook, “but you shouldn’t have to go through this night after night…” She drew a shuddering breath, sniffing loudly, “I’ll bet you can’t even remember that last time you got a full night’s sleep.”  She suddenly pulled from Janet’s arms and turning away from her swung her feet to the floor, sitting on the edge of the bed, “It’s not fair you have to keep taking care of me, I should be _your wife_ , not your patient…” Her voice tight with pain and self-disgust, “I should at least sleep in another room or something…” She moved to get out of bed and Janet suddenly grabbed her arm,

 

“For god sakes, Samantha Carter,” she quickly sat up on her knees and turned Sam’s face to her, “I can’t sleep unless you’re in this bed, don’t you know that?  For all the time you’ve spent offworld, do you think I ever slept?  Ever?”  She let her hands drop limply in her lap for a long moment then abruptly brought them up to cover her face and burst into tears.  Thoroughly alarmed, Sam pulled the smaller woman onto her lap and held her close,

 

“Janet…”

 

“I’m sorry.” Janet mumbled against her shoulder then emitted a short bark of laughter, “There’s a switch, huh?”  She pulled back, shaking her head,

 

“Janet….”

 

“No, Sam,” tears still dripped from her eyes and Sam wiped them away as she smoothed back her hair, “It just hurts to see you in such pain; I can’t stop the nightmares and I…”

 

“The nightmares aren’t your fault, Janet.”  Sam pulled her close again, her arms wrapped around her, stroking her back, “they aren’t my fault either, I just,” she closed her eyes tiredly, “I’m just so tired of feeling so helpless and weak all the time and I just… I just don’t how you put up with me, I guess.”

 

That made Janet laugh and she pulled back to wipe her face and wrapped warm hands around Sam’s neck, kissing her gently on the lips, “It’s a lot easier than you think.”  She sniffed and smiled tremulously, “I love you, Sam….  Don’t you know that?”

 

Sam dipped her head for another soft kiss, “Yes, I do.”  She whispered, “I love you too.”  She murmured and leaned back to lie down again, Janet crawling to lie close next to her as Sam drew the covers over them.  Sam wrapped her arms around her, Janet’s head pillowed on her chest,

 

“When Mitchell threw you back into your old world, Sam, I… I tried to soldier on, you know?”  Sam looked down at the top of her head in the dark room, “I did try, I had to, I still had Cassie, but…” She sniffed and her voice grew tight with emotion, “But my heart hurt so much, it hurt so much I wondered if I should have Warner give me a cardiogram.  When your heart breaks you should die.  I didn’t understand why it wouldn’t just stop beating…. Why didn’t I die?” Her voice broke, “I thought, Cassie is nearly grown, and Jack and Sara and Daniel and Vala love her too… and she loves them, surely it would be alright if my heart just… just stopped…”

 

Tears leaked from the corners of Sam’s eyes and she pulled Janet even closer, “No….” She whispered quietly as Janet wept against her chest, clutching at her.

 

“I can’t help it, Sam.”  She whispered as she cried, “I love you.”

 

Sam held her close and whispered against her hair, “I love you, Janet….  I love you so much.” She continued to murmur soft words of love to her, placing soft kisses against her hair until she could feel Janet relax a little before she rose up on one elbow, gently turning Janet onto her back, “I love you.”  She whispered again as she placed a soft kiss on her collarbone, “I love you so much.”  She placed her lips over a pliant nipple, kissing and suckling softly until she could feel it pebble beneath her tongue and Janet’s breath deepen.

 

Soothing hands roved over Janet’s body and she arched into them, a deep sigh escaping her lips.  She caressed Sam’s hair with her hands as she moved down her body, kissing and laving her with her tongue.  Janet suddenly pulled Sam’s head to her again and placed a smoldering kiss against her lips, her tongue demanding entrance to Sam’s mouth.  Both groaned as Janet sucked and lapped hungrily at Sam’s tongue and when they finally broke the kiss Sam rested her forehead against Janet’s,

 

“I love you, Janet.”  She said, panting, her voice strained.  Their eyes locked, and Sam kissed her again, straddling her thigh.

 

She stayed up on her elbows as she undulated, grasping Janet’s slim shoulders from beneath her and arched slightly to open herself fully against the smooth skin.  Her eyes squinted slightly and she gasped softly at the contact. Janet cupped her cheek softly with one hand, the other cupping a breast; looking into deep smoldering blue she caressed with one hand and massaged with the other as Sam moved on her.

 

“Oh, Sam...”  She breathed.

 

Shifting slightly, Sam pressed the top of her thigh into Janet’s quaking, sodden center, making both women moan, eyes closing involuntarily.

 

Slowly, Sam began to move against her again, Janet undulating in cadence with her and as their respirations increased in tandem with the lustful stroking, Janet strained to keep her eyes locked on Sam’s.  She could feel herself rapidly approaching a massive climax as the sounds of their harsh breathing and screaming nerve-endings and rushing wetness pushed her to the edge.

 

“I love you, Janet.”  Sam wailed as she thrashed on her wife, unable to control the climax that crashed over her, “I love you!”  She sobbed.

 

Janet sobbed brokenly and she desperately clutched Sam as she undulated wildly beneath her.  She tried to cry out her love for Sam, but all she could do was shout as she cried, her body shuddering violently as she came.

 

They clung to each other as their tremors eventually subsided, and Sam still undulated on her gently as their bodies quaked and shuddered in the aftermath.  She lifted her head to look into Janet’s eyes, still filled with tears,

 

“I love you.”  She whispered thickly as a tear dripped from her face and onto Janet’s lips.

 

Janet pulled her down against her, “I love you, Sam.” She whispered back.

 

Wrapping their arms tightly around each other they eventually drifted off, emitting soft groans and sighs as they slept.


End file.
